I'm feeling very stagnate in my present reality. I notice that in my life even when things are at the most "seemingly challenging" everything is still really quite calm. It's not because at the core of me I'm calm, its just that it really isn't that bad. I feel very fortunate for all the blessings in my life and how much support I have from the universe and my family, but sometimes I wonder if this makes me weaker as a person in some way? I find myself often wondering what it would be like to experience cancer, or my significant other deciding to have an affair or if I really lost it all-no house, no money, no job. How would I survive through those types of ordeals? So many people in the world are facing these exact circumstances in this moment and I am curious about the resilience and will of the human spirit? Part of me feels I would be very motivated by "disaster" if you will, so naturally what would be more challenging to me would be to find that same sense of motivation in a slow gradual dissipation of my world as I created it, that its truly what feels harder for me and thus, no surprise, exactly what I've created.
There was a point in my life where I realized I felt incredibly guilty if I allowed too many good things into my life. I felt like if I kept getting what I wanted then eventually it would all have to come crashing down and be destroyed, to keep the balance, so to speak. I was very cautious not to be overly grateful and excited about the good things that came in because I was sure that if I got caught up in the excitement and all that that it would have to be balanced with something "bad." It is such a weird concept, and I wonder where and at what point in my life I picked this up? I remember starting to deal with it mentality/emotionally when I was young, 12-ish.
I resorted to complete identification with my anger, frustration, judgements, resentments etc. basically I fed the other wolf (from Michelles story) if you will, initially in an attempt to protect myself from losing everything good. I decided I would beat, whoever it was that I feared and was sure was out to get me, by punishing myself first. At some point I got lost in this identification, forgetting why I was doing it in the first place and it was who I became.
I am in Bethel this week house sitting for my parents. Funny I am just getting this right now. I knew I had some energy work to do while I was here but I had completely forgotten about the personal healing work I was guided to do until I began writing this blog. I have come back to the physical place where all my physical constitutions patterns were set in place. All of it is here! How I was raised, the collective consciousness of this area, which no doubt affected me and molded me, the old everything, my past self basically. Since, being here I have been feeling stagnant, cluttered and scattered, no doubt I'm sensing things in my energy field that are ready to be let go.
Male/father issues have suddenly become the forefront of my attention, I've been craving alcohol something that I haven't done in years, having strong desires to check out and go unconscious for the duration of this trip.
I feel it is time to cut the cords and fully fully fully let go of the past. Kind of how Joni has been shredding all her old medical files and releasing the cancer from her field, I too have to shred all this old stuff, more on a symbolic level since all of it is energetic but really let go, let go, LET go so that I am amble to put myself fully and wholly into my present. Blah, I feel like I've done this already before and am annoyed that here I am again coming to the same realisation as before, doing the same release work as before but yet as similar as it is it is different. Another layer a deeper layer thought in its way the same is so very different. And my ability to be clearer and more receptive to this release is different. My desire to fully let this go is more honest then it ever was before.
And, so this is where I'm at. Re-reading this I'm not sure how I got from where I started this blog to where it ended but that is the amazing thing about the human mind. It often doesn't make any sense and the thoughts that trigger one memory may have nothing to do with it at all. Truly amazing.
Blessings to everyone and my we all believe in out right to be beautiful, bountiful and grateful!
Thursday, March 18
A Healing Journey with James
Today I must share a story about an series of events that happened a day or two before Thanksgiving 2009.
Michael and I were tuning in to the 10:00 news on our satellite tv. I rarely have an emotional response to any of the news, no matter how awful it may seem. But this time was different. The anchorwoman began with a story about a young man named James (not his real name) who had gone with his family to explore in a well known cave system outside Salt Lake City.
James was a 23 year old medical student, involved in many sports, and an experienced caver. He and his brothers, their wives and his three year old daughter all went into this amazing cave with many twists, turns, and passages. They came to an area where the cave opens up into a large cathedral. After exploring this space for a while, the group split up. Most went back the direction they had come. James and one brother went forward into the narrow maze like passages to explore the deeper cave.
They went far back into the cave and the passage became narrower and steeper. James was in front and his brother right behind him, when he suddenly stopped moving. He had entered into an area with a downward slope and slid in further. He tried to move forward, but in the narrow confines of the passage along with being head down, he could not get any leverage to move his body weight. James told his brother that he was stuck.
After seeing that he really was stuck and there was nothing more he could do, James' brother went back the direction he had come, crawling and winding his way out to get help. Within hours, a group of search and rescue experts were there to help.
They worked for hours, trying to get James out of the dark passage. The challenge was enormous, since there was only room for one person right behind him, and very little room for any maneuvering. At one time in the evening, the rescuers had pulled James back up the passage almost to safety, with ropes and rigging. Just as his feet were emerging, the rigging broke. James slid back down into the passage, and the rescue workers did their best not to feel the despair that began to set in.
By 10:00, they had gotten a cell phone in to James so he could talk with his wife. The rescuers were exhausted, and out of options for bringing James out alive. A very heavy cloud of sadness was descending around this event. Throughout the news, they returned to the scene at the cave several times to give updates on James' condition. I could hardly hear or see any other news, as this situation and the cloud of sadness around it filled my awareness.
I went to bed that night with prayers for healing for James, his family, and all the rescuers who had tried so hard, and now had to simply watch him die. I knew he would not live through the night.
At 3:33 I jerked awake in bed. I saw the pitch black cave passage where James had passed. Then I heard a sound that I could not describe. I felt a rush of emotion-sadness, betrayal, guilt, apology, pain... I suddenly knew through the emotional veil that James was standing in the room with me. He was confused, angry, and extremely sad over his passing, and he wanted answers! Why did this happen to me? Why? Why? He kept asking me and I, in my grogginess could not give him an answer. I just kept radiating calmness and presence, since it was the only way I could think of to help this regretful young man.
I was awake with him that night for several hours. He went through many emotions and resistance layers about what had happened. He had had many plans to be of service in his life. He was going to be a doctor, and saw himself doing some amazing things to advance the level of health in third world nations. He kept going back over the event and choices that had lead to his death, regretting each one in turn. "If only I had turned back with the others when we all split up. If only I had decided to turn around where it was getting too narrow to walk. If only I had gotten my arms out ahead of me before sliding into the passage. If only..."
All I could do that night was to assure him that there was a reason for this that he could not see at this time. I told him to consider that he might have a different path of service. I asked him to look for the silver lining ( I know it seems crazy), and he just got quiet. He began to get past the charges and become conscious.
As soon as this happened, he started to get concerned about his family. He knew that his wife and little daughter were okay. He said she was strong, and his wife would have lots of opportunities to start a new life with someone else. But he was most concerned about one of his brothers. I was unable to discern which one, but he said that one of his brothers feels completely responsible for James' death. He was afraid this brother would not forgive himself and go on with life. He wanted me to contact the family so he could talk to them.
He badgered me for the rest of the night about calling his family. I told him that I would not do this. I told him that if he was supposed to contact them, he would have to find someone else. I am not an attack psychic, nor do I deliver messages on a regular basis for the deceased. It is not my role in this incarnation. I told him there were others that could do this for him. Then he left and was gone as quickly as he arrived.
I will finish this story tomorrow.
K.
Michael and I were tuning in to the 10:00 news on our satellite tv. I rarely have an emotional response to any of the news, no matter how awful it may seem. But this time was different. The anchorwoman began with a story about a young man named James (not his real name) who had gone with his family to explore in a well known cave system outside Salt Lake City.
James was a 23 year old medical student, involved in many sports, and an experienced caver. He and his brothers, their wives and his three year old daughter all went into this amazing cave with many twists, turns, and passages. They came to an area where the cave opens up into a large cathedral. After exploring this space for a while, the group split up. Most went back the direction they had come. James and one brother went forward into the narrow maze like passages to explore the deeper cave.
They went far back into the cave and the passage became narrower and steeper. James was in front and his brother right behind him, when he suddenly stopped moving. He had entered into an area with a downward slope and slid in further. He tried to move forward, but in the narrow confines of the passage along with being head down, he could not get any leverage to move his body weight. James told his brother that he was stuck.
After seeing that he really was stuck and there was nothing more he could do, James' brother went back the direction he had come, crawling and winding his way out to get help. Within hours, a group of search and rescue experts were there to help.
They worked for hours, trying to get James out of the dark passage. The challenge was enormous, since there was only room for one person right behind him, and very little room for any maneuvering. At one time in the evening, the rescuers had pulled James back up the passage almost to safety, with ropes and rigging. Just as his feet were emerging, the rigging broke. James slid back down into the passage, and the rescue workers did their best not to feel the despair that began to set in.
By 10:00, they had gotten a cell phone in to James so he could talk with his wife. The rescuers were exhausted, and out of options for bringing James out alive. A very heavy cloud of sadness was descending around this event. Throughout the news, they returned to the scene at the cave several times to give updates on James' condition. I could hardly hear or see any other news, as this situation and the cloud of sadness around it filled my awareness.
I went to bed that night with prayers for healing for James, his family, and all the rescuers who had tried so hard, and now had to simply watch him die. I knew he would not live through the night.
At 3:33 I jerked awake in bed. I saw the pitch black cave passage where James had passed. Then I heard a sound that I could not describe. I felt a rush of emotion-sadness, betrayal, guilt, apology, pain... I suddenly knew through the emotional veil that James was standing in the room with me. He was confused, angry, and extremely sad over his passing, and he wanted answers! Why did this happen to me? Why? Why? He kept asking me and I, in my grogginess could not give him an answer. I just kept radiating calmness and presence, since it was the only way I could think of to help this regretful young man.
I was awake with him that night for several hours. He went through many emotions and resistance layers about what had happened. He had had many plans to be of service in his life. He was going to be a doctor, and saw himself doing some amazing things to advance the level of health in third world nations. He kept going back over the event and choices that had lead to his death, regretting each one in turn. "If only I had turned back with the others when we all split up. If only I had decided to turn around where it was getting too narrow to walk. If only I had gotten my arms out ahead of me before sliding into the passage. If only..."
All I could do that night was to assure him that there was a reason for this that he could not see at this time. I told him to consider that he might have a different path of service. I asked him to look for the silver lining ( I know it seems crazy), and he just got quiet. He began to get past the charges and become conscious.
As soon as this happened, he started to get concerned about his family. He knew that his wife and little daughter were okay. He said she was strong, and his wife would have lots of opportunities to start a new life with someone else. But he was most concerned about one of his brothers. I was unable to discern which one, but he said that one of his brothers feels completely responsible for James' death. He was afraid this brother would not forgive himself and go on with life. He wanted me to contact the family so he could talk to them.
He badgered me for the rest of the night about calling his family. I told him that I would not do this. I told him that if he was supposed to contact them, he would have to find someone else. I am not an attack psychic, nor do I deliver messages on a regular basis for the deceased. It is not my role in this incarnation. I told him there were others that could do this for him. Then he left and was gone as quickly as he arrived.
I will finish this story tomorrow.
K.
Shortly after beginning the 90 day was my Mayan signature day, WHITE COSMIC wind day on the Mayan calender and the veils were lifting as they do-It fills my heart to be a part of the ceremonies of this time and all the blessings they shower upon us! shortly after beginning this 90 day, was my Mayan signature day-white cosmic wind day-that is on the Mayan calender and the veils were lifting as they do;
letting go; suddenly present and in the moment; an unseen before door opens;
song and ceremony that seems to come from 10,000 years ago, coming in serendipitously -filling my heart -what a beautiful gift coming from the soul-resonating with that vibration- I felt back in ceremony again- such a gift!
-the animals coming in during this portal time-again the moose-I think at the last 90 day -while at one of the 90 day meetings Kathryn was told to give me a mooses tooth to hold during the meeting-then I shared an incident that week with a moose filled with adrenaline had communicated for my oncoming car to change lanes before this moose- not yet visible to me until only seconds later- running full sppeed past my window in the lane I had just changed from and so was able to unharmed drive safely by this moose -so was surprised that another moose came in during this 90 day-but in a polar opposite form -this time so relaxed- this moose rested on all 4‘s sitting facing me communicating how animals do in that way that being in their presence seems to heal and affirm your very life; where you are and what you are doing- with eye contact that seemed to look into my soul in this timeless beautiful moment-that turned into much later- (one of the blogs if i can remember right- had mentioned that initial fear that was felt when in the presence of the Wolf)-I resonated with that blog and it reminded me of that-realizing that fear is a choice and letting go of that fear-this moose teaching me to relax!
-again the spirit guides coming in the form of a beautiful sign -- a beautiful connected double rainbow circling around the sun. This was to take on more meaning later when shortly after seeing this rainbow around the sun, pulling out a dvd I had been carrying around for a long time, but finally watched and kept stopping on the RAINBOW SUN that had appeared to me again in this very magical dvd; got goosebumps all over as rewound and played this over and over-I wanted to share this because this message from this pure spirit seems to embrace everything about the 90 days for me and I was so moved, just as I have been moved by everyones sharing that gave me the strength to put down the DEAD food that was about to go into my mouth and reach for my pre-made snack high VIBRATION core food and finally i think have the nerve -a gift from the moose -to share with you. This quote following the picture and mention of “RAINBOW SUN” from Alex Grey’s chapel of Sacred Mirrors, a 2006 DVD, film by Nick Krasnic, www.CoSMthemovie.com that has filled my dreams and visions and has become my mantra, intention and for me is another spirit guide: While the film shows Alex Grey’s Rainbow Sun picture he says, “Our WHITE COSMIC consciousness leaves our body and enters into a new realm of light and great mystery. Teacher of mind; a wanderer from the west did go upon an unclear path, as bone and flesh. Alone they went through dark unholiness. I wonder can I find myself? brought clearing and a voice. No bally born, seek spiritual dawn the path has opened-it’s your choice. Along the path- death-mirror of future collapse, animal powers surround and protect the teacher as a corpse. The teaching is taken. The sun emerges. Book of the dead -direct me, resurrect me. Climbing the mountain, slipping and falling, struggling to upper reaches/the path of practice can be long and arduous, as it teaches, holy book ignites a vision, seeker becomes seer, karmic preparation allows the face of the guru to appear. The 3 worlds are united. From lesser to greater being. Vision spontaneously liberate, as vaste as nakedly seeing. Awareness, supreme and central, emptiness radient and clear, inner sun, outer sun, non-dual in the heart, no desire or fear. Guardians cut loose my empty husk, a human skin pelt of turquoise sky, reveals a mungdulah (sp?) of great perfection-a re splendid buddha eye, the essential vazrah (sp?) teaching condensed in a rainbow sun, transmits a fractal message-wake up everyone! the inspired yogi reaches for universal truth’s jewel -encoded in a heart drop or a crystalline molecule-pure of stain or ill, now has found it’s heart home, empowered to penetrate others with primordial waves of bliss. Shimmering, resonant love webs spread out to boundlessness. All beings and things included in the bodi soph vahz (sp?) vow. Therefore a return to the world, but in touch with the timeless now. An elixir of wisdom and compassion does my tray bring to all. Everyone is a future Buddha-listen deep for the Inner call.
The art that Alex Grey has created that goes with this message for his rainbow sun painting that is on this DVD transforms you directly to the 5th dimension!
ok-it is after 12:00am -i’m going to turn into a pumkin, sorry i’m tired, butthis is my first blog- i hope this makes sense-thanks for listening -maybe i can bring some balance into my life with the 90 days and find a time bubble so as to not stay up late to blog-but i feel liike i have now joinged the 20th century if I can figure out how to send it!
lightening storm desert rose Casseopeia-A-and thank-you RAINBOW SUN!
letting go; suddenly present and in the moment; an unseen before door opens;
song and ceremony that seems to come from 10,000 years ago, coming in serendipitously -filling my heart -what a beautiful gift coming from the soul-resonating with that vibration- I felt back in ceremony again- such a gift!
-the animals coming in during this portal time-again the moose-I think at the last 90 day -while at one of the 90 day meetings Kathryn was told to give me a mooses tooth to hold during the meeting-then I shared an incident that week with a moose filled with adrenaline had communicated for my oncoming car to change lanes before this moose- not yet visible to me until only seconds later- running full sppeed past my window in the lane I had just changed from and so was able to unharmed drive safely by this moose -so was surprised that another moose came in during this 90 day-but in a polar opposite form -this time so relaxed- this moose rested on all 4‘s sitting facing me communicating how animals do in that way that being in their presence seems to heal and affirm your very life; where you are and what you are doing- with eye contact that seemed to look into my soul in this timeless beautiful moment-that turned into much later- (one of the blogs if i can remember right- had mentioned that initial fear that was felt when in the presence of the Wolf)-I resonated with that blog and it reminded me of that-realizing that fear is a choice and letting go of that fear-this moose teaching me to relax!
-again the spirit guides coming in the form of a beautiful sign -- a beautiful connected double rainbow circling around the sun. This was to take on more meaning later when shortly after seeing this rainbow around the sun, pulling out a dvd I had been carrying around for a long time, but finally watched and kept stopping on the RAINBOW SUN that had appeared to me again in this very magical dvd; got goosebumps all over as rewound and played this over and over-I wanted to share this because this message from this pure spirit seems to embrace everything about the 90 days for me and I was so moved, just as I have been moved by everyones sharing that gave me the strength to put down the DEAD food that was about to go into my mouth and reach for my pre-made snack high VIBRATION core food and finally i think have the nerve -a gift from the moose -to share with you. This quote following the picture and mention of “RAINBOW SUN” from Alex Grey’s chapel of Sacred Mirrors, a 2006 DVD, film by Nick Krasnic, www.CoSMthemovie.com that has filled my dreams and visions and has become my mantra, intention and for me is another spirit guide: While the film shows Alex Grey’s Rainbow Sun picture he says, “Our WHITE COSMIC consciousness leaves our body and enters into a new realm of light and great mystery. Teacher of mind; a wanderer from the west did go upon an unclear path, as bone and flesh. Alone they went through dark unholiness. I wonder can I find myself? brought clearing and a voice. No bally born, seek spiritual dawn the path has opened-it’s your choice. Along the path- death-mirror of future collapse, animal powers surround and protect the teacher as a corpse. The teaching is taken. The sun emerges. Book of the dead -direct me, resurrect me. Climbing the mountain, slipping and falling, struggling to upper reaches/the path of practice can be long and arduous, as it teaches, holy book ignites a vision, seeker becomes seer, karmic preparation allows the face of the guru to appear. The 3 worlds are united. From lesser to greater being. Vision spontaneously liberate, as vaste as nakedly seeing. Awareness, supreme and central, emptiness radient and clear, inner sun, outer sun, non-dual in the heart, no desire or fear. Guardians cut loose my empty husk, a human skin pelt of turquoise sky, reveals a mungdulah (sp?) of great perfection-a re splendid buddha eye, the essential vazrah (sp?) teaching condensed in a rainbow sun, transmits a fractal message-wake up everyone! the inspired yogi reaches for universal truth’s jewel -encoded in a heart drop or a crystalline molecule-pure of stain or ill, now has found it’s heart home, empowered to penetrate others with primordial waves of bliss. Shimmering, resonant love webs spread out to boundlessness. All beings and things included in the bodi soph vahz (sp?) vow. Therefore a return to the world, but in touch with the timeless now. An elixir of wisdom and compassion does my tray bring to all. Everyone is a future Buddha-listen deep for the Inner call.
The art that Alex Grey has created that goes with this message for his rainbow sun painting that is on this DVD transforms you directly to the 5th dimension!
ok-it is after 12:00am -i’m going to turn into a pumkin, sorry i’m tired, butthis is my first blog- i hope this makes sense-thanks for listening -maybe i can bring some balance into my life with the 90 days and find a time bubble so as to not stay up late to blog-but i feel liike i have now joinged the 20th century if I can figure out how to send it!
lightening storm desert rose Casseopeia-A-and thank-you RAINBOW SUN!
Insights and Dreams and Action
When I purged my medical files but kept the miscarriage papers, I had a dream about my friend Elaine who died of cancer 5 years ago. I was giving the eulogy over and over again. When I woke up I realized that I still had guilt over her death and how I dealt with it. Thank you Universe for bringing it to my attention. A conversation with Elaine needs to happen to heal my guilt.
I also had a dream about wolves. I was sitting in the passenger seat of a vehicle with the door open. In the back seat was a wolf curled up and asleep. I asked myself if I should be concerned but he didn't move. So I relaxed. But then another wolf jumped in and out of the vehicle several times crossing over my lap. Again I wondered if I should be concerned. After waking I knew it was telling me to be a teacher, but of what? I am a gatherer of knowledge but a master of none. It's also the reason, Laura left her wolf skin/fur with me. Thank you, Wolf, for your message.
I also was lamenting over the fact that Laura's community drum will be leaving Alaska soon.
But Raven Hair in her brilliance suggested that we put it out to our spiritual community for donations for a community drum and stand like we did for the harmonizer. That way Diamond Heart and our spiritual community would have one with everyone's energy and blessing. I hope that Diamond Heart will consider this.
When I was working in the workbook this week, Day 19 asked us to listen to all of the CD Unity Tone. One of the things that came of it for me was that my medicine wheel is now in the shape of a spider web. So I put all of the constitutions around the web in their own sections. Lo and behold there were 4 sections left. It struck me that they were the new constitutions that are coming into being through Kathryn. These 4 sections are also a step higher than the rest like it is the new spiral layer that extends upward like an ascension spiral staircase with these 4 on one level of it. Kathryn is pioneering them for us as some of the group are completing their last constitution this time around. What do you think, Kathryn and Michael?
I also have these thoughts:
My past was a sum of my pasts and a gathering of present experiences.
Now I'm creating the day and letting go of it for tomorrow.
I'm a daily alchemist letting go of the day's creation to fashion a new one on the morrow.
Sounds good. I am growing into it day by day.
Joni Mist Walker
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