Past-History, Future-Mystery, Present-The Gift

(Blog entry by Blew Thunder)

Every time we do the core foods fast, it makes me flash back to the past before the core foods fast even had a name. I had just quit smoking cigarettes, and stopped drinking coffee. I had gained about 60 pounds, and I was so uncomfortable in my own body from the weight gain, that even having a glass of water at night, my stomach would bloat.

At that moment, I raised my hand and surrendered, asking Kachina for help. I told her I would eat anything that she wanted me to eat--ANYTHING. That was over seven years ago. Now I look back with the fondest memories, as the fast that I initiated then has resulted in the Core Foods Fast. At that time, it was not a three week fast, but what I ate for three or four months; enjoying all the different flavors and toppings with my six bowls of potatoes and root veggies every day.

One of the side benefits of the fast was in the middle of the winter, I dropped that 60 extra pounds I had put on. And now, seven years later, I had once again found myself eating less consciously, not paying attention to my body's signals, and eating in a hurry. Now after being on the Core Foods again, I am yet again amazed at how much different I feel, how much more conscious I am in my eating, and how much more clarity is available to me. My energy level has soared. I have even become aware of how my thoughts have wandered, and gone unconscious--how I had become less patient and fallen from that space in grace that I love so much. That is the gift.

Now I am understanding the importance of doing a two week core foods fast every spring equinox and autumn equinox--two times a year--to bring my body back to the neutral zero point once again. It is so easy to slide into habits and lose ourselves. This fast provides that window for re-awakening in the dream. I am even more committed at this point, to using this seasonal fast.

And so I am grateful for each and every one of you, who are assisting me in going back to Beginner's Mind. Big kudos to Eagle Eye, for I have been in that space / place before and I know the courage to move mountains just happens! May the angels grace you as well as all of us as we become willing to roll up our sleeves and look in the mirror. AHO to the Great Mystery!
B. Thunder

And The Floods Begins

Part two- Breaking Cycles

"Allow the way to be paved by those who have walked before you with lesson number one being, life is easy."

~Michelle Lynx

One of my favorite parts of this 90 day process is writing the creation story, and even more, getting lost in the zone and going back days later to read the profound insight that comes through me when connected to source.

One awakened memory that explains my life perfectly is that I am here to break family patterns and heal generations of the past, present and future. This is significant in the flooding knowledge flowing into me now.

With the understanding of myself, my roles, my life and how I got here, I can see it so clearly in my children as well. To look at each one in context of my emotional state from conception through birth and on through my healing process is amazing.

As a young wounded teenager, lost and escaping through whatever means possible, I became pregnant with my oldest son. Stubborn, independent, rebellious and unwilling to allow my family "values" and judgments to influence me, I set out to prove something. What was I proving that didn't fall into the judgments, nothing, but I didn't know that then.

This child was set up from the beginning, along with the stubborn, independent, rebellious and needing to prove something traits he was born with, I gave him the added bonus of needing to be the "perfect" child. I have watched him try to live this role and fail because of it. I also get to watch him awaken and find his own way through the muck and learn from him as his spirit awakens to the truth and connects with the Universe.

After a few years, finding myself in a detrimental relationship and longing for love, I desperately wanted another baby. Insecure, weak and struggling to find a hint of light, I gave birth to my second son. He died twice, once at birth and again an hour later, spent 10 days in the NICU unit and didn't feel my touch till I brought him home. I believe he wasn't sure he wanted to do this life but once he made up his mind he was here for good and for good reason.

He was like glue to me, strong in his own spirit but attached at the same time. He knew what he wanted, where he came from and what his purpose was till about 5. At that time my divorce from his father forced what appeared to him as betrayal. It's hard to look at a situation and see the right in it and be faced with a justice system that says something else. After that he forgot himself and submitted to the exact same role that I did as a child, filling the void. Driven today to find himself and his own way through his own lessons he understands that love is his driving force and he is a gifted healer.

Nine months after my second son was born, feeling devastated, broken, abused and deep within the pits of hell, my daughter was conceived. I cried for the entire pregnancy, stuck and hopeless. She cried for the first three years of her life. She was quiet, insecure, invisible and oblivious to the world, not in a naive way but in an innocent way. One day, at my ultimate worst, debating life or death she came to me. "Mommy, are you ever going to get up and play with me again?"

The healing began and the cycles started breaking. In each of these children a cycle started and over time, through the healing of my soul, honesty and ownership of my choices, actions and unconscious behaviors, the cycles broke, collapsed and opened up new passages. The invisible child stands today confident, driven, sure of herself, and completely present in the now with an amazing ability to process emotion and find clarity.

Seven years after the birth of my daughter, feeling healthy, mind, body and spirit, I gave birth to another son. A wonderful pregnancy, a supportive labor and beautiful delivery, this old soul made his way into the world. Just looking at this precious new life you could see a thousand years of wisdom. he walked into this world with predisposed issues to clear and head strong on the path to clear them. He confidently tells his story, his needs and works through the situation with guidance. It's a gift to be chosen to mother an old soul and a challenge as well.

And then there is the last one, the one who is strong, independent, completely sure of himself, who he is, where he comes from and not willing to budge, change or be influenced. I had a miscarriage and right after, when you are not supposed to get pregnant, I did. I believe that he wasn't sure the first time and after a second thought he came back. I am grateful and learning everyday from this beautiful spirit. He teaches me truth, kindness and the understanding of unconditional love in the ultimate way, for self.

Will all of this said and more understanding coming, I am grateful.....Michelle

The Damn Has Broken

Part one- Crumbs

"I accept crumbs in fear if starvation, never understanding how full I already am."

~Michelle Lynx

Sunken deep in the water of emotional turmoil and hit at every turn with the responsibilities of my life, finding the time to allow any of it to surface or break open has been a struggle till this awakening moment at 3:30am.

Over the years I have traveled down my healing path breaking open issues with all of my parents, trudging through the muck to the other side and then all over again as the next issues surface. This is no different, except for the understanding that my abandonment/father issue is only the instigator not the issue. This is good news as I am almost there, and I breath, ahhhhhhhhhhhh!

The story of my mother and me.

Her childhood left her wounded, deeply wounded from years of abuse to which it's amazing she survived. She desperately wanted a baby, someone to love and even more, someone to love her. After several miscarriages she had all but given up when she became pregnant with me. She couldn't allow herself to get attached, believing that she wouldn't carry me to term, she told herself throughout that I wasn't real. I made it through and from this moment forward I had my role intact. I was to fulfill her, fill the voids and be the love she longed for. I didn't do a very good job as the story goes ,the more she tried to "love"me the more I pushed her away. From infancy, I wouldn't cuddle, snuggle or allow closeness. She thought for a very long time that I hated her because every time she tried to snuggle me I cried till she put me down. I believe I knew, as I know now, when someone "needs" my energy to fill them.

Over time I figured out, to be loved I needed to fill the void and have done that ever since. I carried her pain for a very long time making it my own. At one point in my healing process, I spent the entire intensive processing trauma that never happened to me, events I never experienced. The trauma was my mothers and in the end, with this fully exposed, I was able to release that darkness and was reborn into my own light.

My role in relationships stayed the same. Interestingly, I start out strong unwilling to fill the void and take on the pain, then give in wanting that love till my tolerance runs out, (this is a very long time-I have an amazing amount of tolerance) and then I am done, shut down completely and over it, not willing to let anyone in for a very long time. I should add that through the tolerance, I shut down. Then slowly the pattern starts all over again with different people, or better said, it's ongoing with different people.

I have experienced this with EVERY relationship in my life, the hook in for me, the moment I go from resistance to submission is the moment I fear abandonment (my father issue). This would put me at around age 4-6, when my brother was born, my first "dad" left and I met my real father for the first time who wasn't interested in me.

It's an illusion to believe love is sacrifice. To abandon the true source of love, yourself, in hope of gaining something "love" that isn't even available. The ultimate trick!

After years of healing, understanding and forgiving, I have a relationship with my mother that doesn't have me in that old role. I love her and honor the beautiful woman she is with gratitude everyday for her love and the lessons of our relationship.

It's all the other relationships in my present life that resemble this painful lesson that I get to look at today. The gifts that lead me to my true self. The joy of being grateful to what once brought so much pain.

Aho,

Michelle