I have talked of the transition to my womb name, as this journey carries me along so does the integration of myself in so many ways beyond the name. I went to see Alice in Wonderland a couple of days ago. I sat there absorbing the storyline along with the amazing graphics and giggled at the humor of everything representing my life as it unfolds. They kept asking her if she was THE Alice and she kept saying she was, it was her dream and she had to be the one, then they told her she wasn't or that she could be. In the end She remembered herself THE Alice through letting go of what she believed to be true or at least that is how I interpreted the story. Hmm, feels a little familiar.
I have been sitting with the notion of calling my mother to talk about changing my name, telling myself it's no big deal but not getting the courage to do it. Yesterday was a big oil day for me with courage, integration, acknowledgement, release and action. Then a great journal of answering two questions.
How has my relationship with my mother affected the development of the feminine side of me? How has the relationship with my father affected the development of the masculine side of me?
I have done a great deal of inner child work with both parents and the extra dads in my life. Nothing has healed this deep or this great before and it was simple, I answered the questions with clear conscious truth, no victimization or anger left and what came out was a clear understanding of truth that I needed and a true forgiveness for myself and my life. Whew...
Today I picked up the phone and called my mother and just asked her how she felt about me changing my name. I giggle again. Every time I ever spoke about my name or the dislike of my name she was defensive and unwilling to hear any of it. In the unfolding of this name change, I realized that because my mother changed my name after birth to get revenge of my father, that I have been the holder of that pain for both of them. This phone call today was something very different. My mother lovingly and calmly said, that is a wonderful idea, I love the name Michelle, it is beautiful and the reason I gave it to you. It should have been your name all along. I support you doing whatever you need to do. I smiled and just said thank you and absorbed all of the love she had to give.
Tonight I dowsed for completion. The journey with this oil brought me to childhood, on Santa Cruz beach boardwalk, I could smell salt water taffy and see the machine pulling it as I watched through the store window, I felt myself running in the sand on the beach and laughing. Then it took me to a warm fire with the smell of Christmas and playing in the fresh snow.
I feel renewed inside and a little brighter with light. I know that it's time to finish the meditation that I could only start a couple of days ago. I am now ready to stay and be present for the rest. As I was greeted by Thoth, he looked down and said to me , "you are doing a great job", I just started crying and left.
Gratitude to ALL and to all of you for listening. With great heart radiating love, Michelle
