I'm feeling very stagnate in my present reality. I notice that in my life even when things are at the most "seemingly challenging" everything is still really quite calm. It's not because at the core of me I'm calm, its just that it really isn't that bad. I feel very fortunate for all the blessings in my life and how much support I have from the universe and my family, but sometimes I wonder if this makes me weaker as a person in some way? I find myself often wondering what it would be like to experience cancer, or my significant other deciding to have an affair or if I really lost it all-no house, no money, no job. How would I survive through those types of ordeals? So many people in the world are facing these exact circumstances in this moment and I am curious about the resilience and will of the human spirit? Part of me feels I would be very motivated by "disaster" if you will, so naturally what would be more challenging to me would be to find that same sense of motivation in a slow gradual dissipation of my world as I created it, that its truly what feels harder for me and thus, no surprise, exactly what I've created.
There was a point in my life where I realized I felt incredibly guilty if I allowed too many good things into my life. I felt like if I kept getting what I wanted then eventually it would all have to come crashing down and be destroyed, to keep the balance, so to speak. I was very cautious not to be overly grateful and excited about the good things that came in because I was sure that if I got caught up in the excitement and all that that it would have to be balanced with something "bad." It is such a weird concept, and I wonder where and at what point in my life I picked this up? I remember starting to deal with it mentality/emotionally when I was young, 12-ish.
I resorted to complete identification with my anger, frustration, judgements, resentments etc. basically I fed the other wolf (from Michelles story) if you will, initially in an attempt to protect myself from losing everything good. I decided I would beat, whoever it was that I feared and was sure was out to get me, by punishing myself first. At some point I got lost in this identification, forgetting why I was doing it in the first place and it was who I became.
I am in Bethel this week house sitting for my parents. Funny I am just getting this right now. I knew I had some energy work to do while I was here but I had completely forgotten about the personal healing work I was guided to do until I began writing this blog. I have come back to the physical place where all my physical constitutions patterns were set in place. All of it is here! How I was raised, the collective consciousness of this area, which no doubt affected me and molded me, the old everything, my past self basically. Since, being here I have been feeling stagnant, cluttered and scattered, no doubt I'm sensing things in my energy field that are ready to be let go.
Male/father issues have suddenly become the forefront of my attention, I've been craving alcohol something that I haven't done in years, having strong desires to check out and go unconscious for the duration of this trip.
I feel it is time to cut the cords and fully fully fully let go of the past. Kind of how Joni has been shredding all her old medical files and releasing the cancer from her field, I too have to shred all this old stuff, more on a symbolic level since all of it is energetic but really let go, let go, LET go so that I am amble to put myself fully and wholly into my present. Blah, I feel like I've done this already before and am annoyed that here I am again coming to the same realisation as before, doing the same release work as before but yet as similar as it is it is different. Another layer a deeper layer thought in its way the same is so very different. And my ability to be clearer and more receptive to this release is different. My desire to fully let this go is more honest then it ever was before.
And, so this is where I'm at. Re-reading this I'm not sure how I got from where I started this blog to where it ended but that is the amazing thing about the human mind. It often doesn't make any sense and the thoughts that trigger one memory may have nothing to do with it at all. Truly amazing.
Blessings to everyone and my we all believe in out right to be beautiful, bountiful and grateful!
