I am finding it very difficult to be in the world. There must be some part of me that is so good at sabotage that I have found a way to stay "alone" and to kill myself slowly.
I look at my body and I see neglect and abuse.
I feel my heart who aches for a full loving world and yet I keep the world for the most part at a distance, except at work for some reason. Then I get hurt by little things that people in my life say or reflect to me.
Shame for allowing myself to get to this place. Doubt for even having these feelings, I should be grateful that I am not X Y or Z, what do I have to be upset about. You know all of that crap.
Fear of not "doing it right."
Guilt for "doing it wrong" or out of Grace.
Until I completely withdraw from the world.
Not following through on commitments.
Is this even true? I feel so confused. I trust that this is part of the process and yet I resist.
I know there are gems here. I trust that I will find them. I trust that I will find my courage and grace. I have paint brushes waiting for me, I have a drum that is waiting, I have a crystal bowl that longs to sing with me, I have the whole entire world and Great Mystery too. How far will I go down into the depths this time before I fly out like the Phoenix. Do I have the courage to love myself enough. I guess I wasn't given this name for nothing.
Thanks for listening to my rants, I really needed to get this out before it was buried again. Aho.
