Sunday, March 13
Into the North
We've just finished our talking circle moving into the North and I want to let you all know how deeply connected I feel to each of you. My heart is richly and fully expanded and I just don't want that to end. Blogging all night is not the answer but know I'm deeply loving each of you. Aho. Maggie
Facing reality hasn't been as easy as I would have liked it. I've been moving along in the West and have literally been faced with two deaths in the last three weeks. It brings about a view of how life can be present one minute and the next gone to another dimension.
A sobering look at my own existence hasn't really hit until I let it penetrate through this barrier I've been keeping up in my own reality. That barrier being myself, my choices. I have realized that I haven't been a good man. It wouldn't be difficult to find another man to equal or surpass my level of integrity or character. This is not a judgement placed onto myself, it is the in my face truth. I have been standing in my own way to be happy on all levels. I have figured out how to get out of my own way but that doesn't mean that I always do it. More often than not I continue to repeat the same actions, cycles, programs and processes that have existed in my life.
The last few days I have gotten more and more stiff in my body. My neck is to the point that I can barely turn it or look down. My lower back where my stone is pops and cracks as I get out of bed and move around. I believe that this is a physical representation of what my spirit, my soul is encountering when faced with myself. The obvious reality I'm facing is total re-form. The truth is I'm afraid of moving forward. I know that it isn't going to be worse than where I've gotten myself to at this point. In the 12 steps they say "my best decisions got me to this point" I'm not satisfied with where I'm at and my decisions have obviously lead me to here. I'm having trouble staying connected and making good choices all the time. Self-referal has become more difficult in the West than in the East or South.
This fear of the unknown makes me laugh when I actually sit down and look at it for what it is but when I'm stuck in the same repetition I find myself in my own way. I see where I need to go very clearly thanks to this process and guidance but I'm held here by my choices. My choice to embrace my patterns instead of trying something new. Staying in my stagnant stiff routine (body) accomplishing the same things. I have a question as to why I continue this behavior. Better yet why don't I choose differently. Maybe I don't know what other choices there are. Maybe I've gotten so complacent that some how this is as good as it gets. I know differently but there is something holding me here.
Today in the book I got to the point of acknowledging prior agreements and contracts. I feel like I've accepted these contracts as all there is. I'm ready to break them and find the courage to embrace the new. It seems that those decisions embrace a total life change; what I've been praying for and what my intention is to do. I keep asking myself if I'm really ready to let them go and then I'm faced with how I'm living my life today. There is little I'm satisfied with in my life today. So as I am faced with my reality daily the option to change gets more and more obvious. I'm still chanting "steadfastness stands higher than any success" knowing that there is beauty to embrace on the other side of this wall. A fuel that feeds this fear to move forward is the question: Is there always going to be another wall behind this one? Who knows? I'm ready to see. I'm ready to let go. I'm praying for guidance and the will to follow the guidance I receive.
Thank you Kachina and Blew Thunder for this walk as I feel that I am walking with you.
Aho
Eagle Eye
A sobering look at my own existence hasn't really hit until I let it penetrate through this barrier I've been keeping up in my own reality. That barrier being myself, my choices. I have realized that I haven't been a good man. It wouldn't be difficult to find another man to equal or surpass my level of integrity or character. This is not a judgement placed onto myself, it is the in my face truth. I have been standing in my own way to be happy on all levels. I have figured out how to get out of my own way but that doesn't mean that I always do it. More often than not I continue to repeat the same actions, cycles, programs and processes that have existed in my life.
The last few days I have gotten more and more stiff in my body. My neck is to the point that I can barely turn it or look down. My lower back where my stone is pops and cracks as I get out of bed and move around. I believe that this is a physical representation of what my spirit, my soul is encountering when faced with myself. The obvious reality I'm facing is total re-form. The truth is I'm afraid of moving forward. I know that it isn't going to be worse than where I've gotten myself to at this point. In the 12 steps they say "my best decisions got me to this point" I'm not satisfied with where I'm at and my decisions have obviously lead me to here. I'm having trouble staying connected and making good choices all the time. Self-referal has become more difficult in the West than in the East or South.
This fear of the unknown makes me laugh when I actually sit down and look at it for what it is but when I'm stuck in the same repetition I find myself in my own way. I see where I need to go very clearly thanks to this process and guidance but I'm held here by my choices. My choice to embrace my patterns instead of trying something new. Staying in my stagnant stiff routine (body) accomplishing the same things. I have a question as to why I continue this behavior. Better yet why don't I choose differently. Maybe I don't know what other choices there are. Maybe I've gotten so complacent that some how this is as good as it gets. I know differently but there is something holding me here.
Today in the book I got to the point of acknowledging prior agreements and contracts. I feel like I've accepted these contracts as all there is. I'm ready to break them and find the courage to embrace the new. It seems that those decisions embrace a total life change; what I've been praying for and what my intention is to do. I keep asking myself if I'm really ready to let them go and then I'm faced with how I'm living my life today. There is little I'm satisfied with in my life today. So as I am faced with my reality daily the option to change gets more and more obvious. I'm still chanting "steadfastness stands higher than any success" knowing that there is beauty to embrace on the other side of this wall. A fuel that feeds this fear to move forward is the question: Is there always going to be another wall behind this one? Who knows? I'm ready to see. I'm ready to let go. I'm praying for guidance and the will to follow the guidance I receive.
Thank you Kachina and Blew Thunder for this walk as I feel that I am walking with you.
Aho
Eagle Eye
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)