As I said before I am a few days behind the rest of you in the book. I realized that I had thought I made it further than this in the past but apparently I hadn't. I think I looked at the book, at where I would have been when that day had arrived for the circle so I would have something to say. That in itself is part of my truth; I had to have a story for everything in my life...to be accepted. Day 19 is where I'm at and this is the day that has proven to be the most eye opening for me.
Earlier today I had a conversation that brought up a lot of stagnant feelings. I didn't feel good. I felt like crawling into a dark hole frankly. Then I decided to do something different, something that I've never done before, because doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result is insanity. I decided to go to the book. The first question: "Have you noticed any new awarenesses or insights since before you began?" Answer: I see a different confidence level within myself. Though I've had a turbulant conversation I still have the unrelenting support of Great Spirit. This is where I usually give up. I stop working on me and move into victim mode. I am not a victim and my tangible choices have lead me to where I am. I'm grateful for the lessons, though tough and not fun, my faith has not been rocked. That is a huge change within myself and that feels good.
Then the exercise is listening to the unity tone CD and breathing in warm golden light in and letting it grow on the out breath. I started this in the chair at my desk at work, then started moving around and couldn't sit any more as the urge to move was getting too great. I got up and walked down the hall rhythmically taking steps and filling myself with light. I got to the 6th song ready to be done, trying to make excuses why I didn't need to do it any more. Instead of just turning it off I asked for guidance..."wait" was the response. So I continued listening getting distracted easier and easier, and on the 8th song something started to make me feel good. Didn't know what it was but it was good. At the 9th song half way through it came to me that this time in my life is all guided by a much higher power than myself. I had just been flushed with surrendering trust. Spirit waited until the last moment to see if I wanted to hear what it had to say. This is the first time I have trusted...today, February 2, 2011.
With much thanks and gratitude for my lessons, and this blog to share them on I thank all of you.
Aho
Wednesday, February 2
Tuesday, February 1
Living
It always helps me release emotions by listening to music that inspires them to surface. I found a wonderful song "Life You Love" by Jason Damato. The line is "live the life you love and love the life you live."
The perspective hits home, when I evaluate the life I have created, the life I am living and ask myself if I am living the life I love and do I love the life I live? Working on breaking it down to see where I am in love and where I am not, where I want to make changes and where I want to embrace and dance more.
Deeper is to allow myself to feel, receive, enjoy and BE LOVE, that is what these affirmations are doing, thank you to the South, this workshop, the Universe and all of you...
Aho, Michelle
Monday, January 31
"I am the center of the Universe..."
Once again I'm blown away...isn't life amazing?! So I forgot to say in the circle yesterday that I had been waiting for my oil and stones, until the day before the talking circle. I was excited to put the stones on, to say the least. I meant to look at what the healing properties of the stones were the day they arrived but I was too interested in "looking at my mail" (on the slope mail is an abstract connection to the "real" world) that I forgot. Today I looked. I'm not sure, just another miracle I guess, but I was dumbfounded with the connection I have with the stones.
www.sobrietystones.com/resources/GemBook/Stones/meanings_gemstones_jade.htm
www.sobrietystones.com/resources/GemBook/Stones/meanings_gemstones_amazonite.htm
My focus while I'm in this process, primarily, is to change my current view from "I am the center of the Universe" to one of Love, Gratitude, Forgiveness, and Living in my heart. These are my intentions and with the willingness I possess and the grace of Great Spirit I will succeed.
Throughout my life I have been the only one of my focus. As hard as that is to admit it's true. After I was moved to my Dad's house when I was 2 I was his only kid. My Mom had my sister but she is ten years older than me so I don't really know her that well. She moved out when she was 16 anyway. The point is I was basically an only child. I had step siblings for a bit of my life, but mostly just me. I came to expect things from people. Like I was entitled. Entitled to love, attention, the center of their world. I didn't want for anything material in my life and new that on a monitary level my needs would be met. What I wasn't getting was the love I desired so deeply from my Parents. No affection, no play, no connection...
Needless to say that gave me the gift of connecting to the Earth. I went outside all the time to play by myself. I was good at being by myself...It made me resent of my parents though. This reflection has come full circle again in my relationships. I'm not good at being by myself hence this entity/addiction I've been relying/coping with for so long. I place this misdirected resentment on the ones that truely do show me love now in my life. Both Zar, my second to youngest kiddo, and my wife especially. They, the innocent, are the target of my void of love. The void I've held onto until now. I've recognized it and with my intentions, a lot of thought awareness, and the help from guidance it will dissipate and be filled. It is being replaced as I type this, as I think about and feel these feelings. I'm grateful today for this lesson. I get to love myself and spill that over to my Family. How exciting!
www.sobrietystones.com/resources/GemBook/Stones/meanings_gemstones_jade.htm
www.sobrietystones.com/resources/GemBook/Stones/meanings_gemstones_amazonite.htm
My focus while I'm in this process, primarily, is to change my current view from "I am the center of the Universe" to one of Love, Gratitude, Forgiveness, and Living in my heart. These are my intentions and with the willingness I possess and the grace of Great Spirit I will succeed.
Throughout my life I have been the only one of my focus. As hard as that is to admit it's true. After I was moved to my Dad's house when I was 2 I was his only kid. My Mom had my sister but she is ten years older than me so I don't really know her that well. She moved out when she was 16 anyway. The point is I was basically an only child. I had step siblings for a bit of my life, but mostly just me. I came to expect things from people. Like I was entitled. Entitled to love, attention, the center of their world. I didn't want for anything material in my life and new that on a monitary level my needs would be met. What I wasn't getting was the love I desired so deeply from my Parents. No affection, no play, no connection...
Needless to say that gave me the gift of connecting to the Earth. I went outside all the time to play by myself. I was good at being by myself...It made me resent of my parents though. This reflection has come full circle again in my relationships. I'm not good at being by myself hence this entity/addiction I've been relying/coping with for so long. I place this misdirected resentment on the ones that truely do show me love now in my life. Both Zar, my second to youngest kiddo, and my wife especially. They, the innocent, are the target of my void of love. The void I've held onto until now. I've recognized it and with my intentions, a lot of thought awareness, and the help from guidance it will dissipate and be filled. It is being replaced as I type this, as I think about and feel these feelings. I'm grateful today for this lesson. I get to love myself and spill that over to my Family. How exciting!
Saturday, January 29
Past-History, Future-Mystery, Present-The Gift
(Blog entry by Blew Thunder)
Every time we do the core foods fast, it makes me flash back to the past before the core foods fast even had a name. I had just quit smoking cigarettes, and stopped drinking coffee. I had gained about 60 pounds, and I was so uncomfortable in my own body from the weight gain, that even having a glass of water at night, my stomach would bloat.
At that moment, I raised my hand and surrendered, asking Kachina for help. I told her I would eat anything that she wanted me to eat--ANYTHING. That was over seven years ago. Now I look back with the fondest memories, as the fast that I initiated then has resulted in the Core Foods Fast. At that time, it was not a three week fast, but what I ate for three or four months; enjoying all the different flavors and toppings with my six bowls of potatoes and root veggies every day.
One of the side benefits of the fast was in the middle of the winter, I dropped that 60 extra pounds I had put on. And now, seven years later, I had once again found myself eating less consciously, not paying attention to my body's signals, and eating in a hurry. Now after being on the Core Foods again, I am yet again amazed at how much different I feel, how much more conscious I am in my eating, and how much more clarity is available to me. My energy level has soared. I have even become aware of how my thoughts have wandered, and gone unconscious--how I had become less patient and fallen from that space in grace that I love so much. That is the gift.
Now I am understanding the importance of doing a two week core foods fast every spring equinox and autumn equinox--two times a year--to bring my body back to the neutral zero point once again. It is so easy to slide into habits and lose ourselves. This fast provides that window for re-awakening in the dream. I am even more committed at this point, to using this seasonal fast.
And so I am grateful for each and every one of you, who are assisting me in going back to Beginner's Mind. Big kudos to Eagle Eye, for I have been in that space / place before and I know the courage to move mountains just happens! May the angels grace you as well as all of us as we become willing to roll up our sleeves and look in the mirror. AHO to the Great Mystery!
B. Thunder
Every time we do the core foods fast, it makes me flash back to the past before the core foods fast even had a name. I had just quit smoking cigarettes, and stopped drinking coffee. I had gained about 60 pounds, and I was so uncomfortable in my own body from the weight gain, that even having a glass of water at night, my stomach would bloat.
At that moment, I raised my hand and surrendered, asking Kachina for help. I told her I would eat anything that she wanted me to eat--ANYTHING. That was over seven years ago. Now I look back with the fondest memories, as the fast that I initiated then has resulted in the Core Foods Fast. At that time, it was not a three week fast, but what I ate for three or four months; enjoying all the different flavors and toppings with my six bowls of potatoes and root veggies every day.
One of the side benefits of the fast was in the middle of the winter, I dropped that 60 extra pounds I had put on. And now, seven years later, I had once again found myself eating less consciously, not paying attention to my body's signals, and eating in a hurry. Now after being on the Core Foods again, I am yet again amazed at how much different I feel, how much more conscious I am in my eating, and how much more clarity is available to me. My energy level has soared. I have even become aware of how my thoughts have wandered, and gone unconscious--how I had become less patient and fallen from that space in grace that I love so much. That is the gift.
Now I am understanding the importance of doing a two week core foods fast every spring equinox and autumn equinox--two times a year--to bring my body back to the neutral zero point once again. It is so easy to slide into habits and lose ourselves. This fast provides that window for re-awakening in the dream. I am even more committed at this point, to using this seasonal fast.
And so I am grateful for each and every one of you, who are assisting me in going back to Beginner's Mind. Big kudos to Eagle Eye, for I have been in that space / place before and I know the courage to move mountains just happens! May the angels grace you as well as all of us as we become willing to roll up our sleeves and look in the mirror. AHO to the Great Mystery!
B. Thunder
And The Floods Begins
Part two- Breaking Cycles
"Allow the way to be paved by those who have walked before you with lesson number one being, life is easy."
~Michelle LynxOne of my favorite parts of this 90 day process is writing the creation story, and even more, getting lost in the zone and going back days later to read the profound insight that comes through me when connected to source.
One awakened memory that explains my life perfectly is that I am here to break family patterns and heal generations of the past, present and future. This is significant in the flooding knowledge flowing into me now.
With the understanding of myself, my roles, my life and how I got here, I can see it so clearly in my children as well. To look at each one in context of my emotional state from conception through birth and on through my healing process is amazing.
As a young wounded teenager, lost and escaping through whatever means possible, I became pregnant with my oldest son. Stubborn, independent, rebellious and unwilling to allow my family "values" and judgments to influence me, I set out to prove something. What was I proving that didn't fall into the judgments, nothing, but I didn't know that then.
This child was set up from the beginning, along with the stubborn, independent, rebellious and needing to prove something traits he was born with, I gave him the added bonus of needing to be the "perfect" child. I have watched him try to live this role and fail because of it. I also get to watch him awaken and find his own way through the muck and learn from him as his spirit awakens to the truth and connects with the Universe.
After a few years, finding myself in a detrimental relationship and longing for love, I desperately wanted another baby. Insecure, weak and struggling to find a hint of light, I gave birth to my second son. He died twice, once at birth and again an hour later, spent 10 days in the NICU unit and didn't feel my touch till I brought him home. I believe he wasn't sure he wanted to do this life but once he made up his mind he was here for good and for good reason.
He was like glue to me, strong in his own spirit but attached at the same time. He knew what he wanted, where he came from and what his purpose was till about 5. At that time my divorce from his father forced what appeared to him as betrayal. It's hard to look at a situation and see the right in it and be faced with a justice system that says something else. After that he forgot himself and submitted to the exact same role that I did as a child, filling the void. Driven today to find himself and his own way through his own lessons he understands that love is his driving force and he is a gifted healer.
Nine months after my second son was born, feeling devastated, broken, abused and deep within the pits of hell, my daughter was conceived. I cried for the entire pregnancy, stuck and hopeless. She cried for the first three years of her life. She was quiet, insecure, invisible and oblivious to the world, not in a naive way but in an innocent way. One day, at my ultimate worst, debating life or death she came to me. "Mommy, are you ever going to get up and play with me again?"
The healing began and the cycles started breaking. In each of these children a cycle started and over time, through the healing of my soul, honesty and ownership of my choices, actions and unconscious behaviors, the cycles broke, collapsed and opened up new passages. The invisible child stands today confident, driven, sure of herself, and completely present in the now with an amazing ability to process emotion and find clarity.
Seven years after the birth of my daughter, feeling healthy, mind, body and spirit, I gave birth to another son. A wonderful pregnancy, a supportive labor and beautiful delivery, this old soul made his way into the world. Just looking at this precious new life you could see a thousand years of wisdom. he walked into this world with predisposed issues to clear and head strong on the path to clear them. He confidently tells his story, his needs and works through the situation with guidance. It's a gift to be chosen to mother an old soul and a challenge as well.
And then there is the last one, the one who is strong, independent, completely sure of himself, who he is, where he comes from and not willing to budge, change or be influenced. I had a miscarriage and right after, when you are not supposed to get pregnant, I did. I believe that he wasn't sure the first time and after a second thought he came back. I am grateful and learning everyday from this beautiful spirit. He teaches me truth, kindness and the understanding of unconditional love in the ultimate way, for self.
Will all of this said and more understanding coming, I am grateful.....Michelle
The Damn Has Broken
Part one- Crumbs
"I accept crumbs in fear if starvation, never understanding how full I already am."
~Michelle Lynx
Sunken deep in the water of emotional turmoil and hit at every turn with the responsibilities of my life, finding the time to allow any of it to surface or break open has been a struggle till this awakening moment at 3:30am.
Over the years I have traveled down my healing path breaking open issues with all of my parents, trudging through the muck to the other side and then all over again as the next issues surface. This is no different, except for the understanding that my abandonment/father issue is only the instigator not the issue. This is good news as I am almost there, and I breath, ahhhhhhhhhhhh!
The story of my mother and me.
Her childhood left her wounded, deeply wounded from years of abuse to which it's amazing she survived. She desperately wanted a baby, someone to love and even more, someone to love her. After several miscarriages she had all but given up when she became pregnant with me. She couldn't allow herself to get attached, believing that she wouldn't carry me to term, she told herself throughout that I wasn't real. I made it through and from this moment forward I had my role intact. I was to fulfill her, fill the voids and be the love she longed for. I didn't do a very good job as the story goes ,the more she tried to "love"me the more I pushed her away. From infancy, I wouldn't cuddle, snuggle or allow closeness. She thought for a very long time that I hated her because every time she tried to snuggle me I cried till she put me down. I believe I knew, as I know now, when someone "needs" my energy to fill them.
Over time I figured out, to be loved I needed to fill the void and have done that ever since. I carried her pain for a very long time making it my own. At one point in my healing process, I spent the entire intensive processing trauma that never happened to me, events I never experienced. The trauma was my mothers and in the end, with this fully exposed, I was able to release that darkness and was reborn into my own light.
My role in relationships stayed the same. Interestingly, I start out strong unwilling to fill the void and take on the pain, then give in wanting that love till my tolerance runs out, (this is a very long time-I have an amazing amount of tolerance) and then I am done, shut down completely and over it, not willing to let anyone in for a very long time. I should add that through the tolerance, I shut down. Then slowly the pattern starts all over again with different people, or better said, it's ongoing with different people.
I have experienced this with EVERY relationship in my life, the hook in for me, the moment I go from resistance to submission is the moment I fear abandonment (my father issue). This would put me at around age 4-6, when my brother was born, my first "dad" left and I met my real father for the first time who wasn't interested in me.
It's an illusion to believe love is sacrifice. To abandon the true source of love, yourself, in hope of gaining something "love" that isn't even available. The ultimate trick!
After years of healing, understanding and forgiving, I have a relationship with my mother that doesn't have me in that old role. I love her and honor the beautiful woman she is with gratitude everyday for her love and the lessons of our relationship.
It's all the other relationships in my present life that resemble this painful lesson that I get to look at today. The gifts that lead me to my true self. The joy of being grateful to what once brought so much pain.
Aho,
Michelle
Friday, January 28
Blogging Along
I am truly in awe of the level of transparency and sharing that is emerging within the blogging circle. In years past, it seems like it took longer to get to this place, maybe people would finally share deeply by the end of the south direction. This year it is moving much more quickly, and I commend all of us for breaking through the old limitations.
My week offered an opportunity to experience completion yet again. Many years ago, I had the blessing of studying with an elder Hawaiian Kahuna named Raschelle-Lei. She was one of those enlightened ones that made people feel and experience life differently just being in her presence.
When I first met her, she told me right away that there would be a beginning, a middle, and an end to our work together. She was preparing me right at the beginning, so I would not carry a false expectation of her. And just as she had said, we worked together for around a year, then abruptly it was complete. She moved across the country and I completely lost touch with her.
Not being really comfortable with endings or completions, I secretly wondered whether I had offended her or done something "wrong" that caused this break in communication. Yet I knew in my heart that nothing had changed between us, just that the time for a teacher of her level in my life was gone. It was now time for me to step up to the plate and embody all she had passed on to me, time to become my own guru and develop my own divine guidance and connection. Two years later, she contacted me briefly once again, as she was getting ready to leave the earth, and passed on to me the great honor of leadership of the White Raven Lodge. Within a few weeks, she passed out of this plane of existence and continued her work in the spirit world.
This week, I received an e-mail from a person whom I had worked together with in her healing and ascension process. A couple of years ago, I received guidance that our time together was complete, and I needed to honor the completion with this person. Completion is still sometimes my most challenging event, and I am not sure if I did it very gracefully, but I did communicate my need for completion and went on with life.
In the e-mail, she asked me if she had done something that offended me--expressing the same doubts that I had felt when completing my journey with Raschelle-Lei! I was able to communicate my truth and explain my reason for creating an ending. I am not certain how it will be received, but am sure it will create some clarity for this person, and at the very least, allowed me to speak my truth, and to once again face the discomfort that accompanies endings and completions. It is a gift and a growth opportunity.
Yang Jiaou Mai--The Vocation Palace
Patterns and blockages in the Vocation Palace channel originate in present time; how we are living now. So often we forget that our happiness, evolution, and life experience is influenced most by the very way we are living our lives. If we are working in this channel, we may want to ask ourselves to consider the following:
*Are we acting on our truth? Are we acting on our desires? Are we taking action in our daily lives to create the life we want to live?
*Do we have discomfort or judgement about the world--do we always see it in a negative light, or believe it is getting worse?
*Do we know what we want or need to do, but feel afraid to do it?
Patterns in this channel will often create symptoms of extremes; attraction to extreme climates; weight gain and weight loss; thyroid imbalance; and any form of imbalance or disequilibrium in any area of life. The curriculum inherent in this palace involves integrating the ability to act on our dreams and desires. Here we learn to really live our life purpose, and do what we love in life. We must learn to act on inner wisdom and higher guidance, and trust that we will be supported when we do what we love.
When we reach a state of neutrality in this palace, we are doing exactly what we came here to do, and we absolutely know it! It is an ecstatic feeling of being in perfect alignment with life. Our work--regardless of what it may be--is no longer work to us. It is our life's work, filled with passion and purpose. We accept the world, feel a part of it, and feel a contribution to making it a better place. We trust ourselves to take actions to make our dreams become a reality.
My week offered an opportunity to experience completion yet again. Many years ago, I had the blessing of studying with an elder Hawaiian Kahuna named Raschelle-Lei. She was one of those enlightened ones that made people feel and experience life differently just being in her presence.
When I first met her, she told me right away that there would be a beginning, a middle, and an end to our work together. She was preparing me right at the beginning, so I would not carry a false expectation of her. And just as she had said, we worked together for around a year, then abruptly it was complete. She moved across the country and I completely lost touch with her.
Not being really comfortable with endings or completions, I secretly wondered whether I had offended her or done something "wrong" that caused this break in communication. Yet I knew in my heart that nothing had changed between us, just that the time for a teacher of her level in my life was gone. It was now time for me to step up to the plate and embody all she had passed on to me, time to become my own guru and develop my own divine guidance and connection. Two years later, she contacted me briefly once again, as she was getting ready to leave the earth, and passed on to me the great honor of leadership of the White Raven Lodge. Within a few weeks, she passed out of this plane of existence and continued her work in the spirit world.
This week, I received an e-mail from a person whom I had worked together with in her healing and ascension process. A couple of years ago, I received guidance that our time together was complete, and I needed to honor the completion with this person. Completion is still sometimes my most challenging event, and I am not sure if I did it very gracefully, but I did communicate my need for completion and went on with life.
In the e-mail, she asked me if she had done something that offended me--expressing the same doubts that I had felt when completing my journey with Raschelle-Lei! I was able to communicate my truth and explain my reason for creating an ending. I am not certain how it will be received, but am sure it will create some clarity for this person, and at the very least, allowed me to speak my truth, and to once again face the discomfort that accompanies endings and completions. It is a gift and a growth opportunity.
Yang Jiaou Mai--The Vocation Palace
Patterns and blockages in the Vocation Palace channel originate in present time; how we are living now. So often we forget that our happiness, evolution, and life experience is influenced most by the very way we are living our lives. If we are working in this channel, we may want to ask ourselves to consider the following:
*Are we acting on our truth? Are we acting on our desires? Are we taking action in our daily lives to create the life we want to live?
*Do we have discomfort or judgement about the world--do we always see it in a negative light, or believe it is getting worse?
*Do we know what we want or need to do, but feel afraid to do it?
Patterns in this channel will often create symptoms of extremes; attraction to extreme climates; weight gain and weight loss; thyroid imbalance; and any form of imbalance or disequilibrium in any area of life. The curriculum inherent in this palace involves integrating the ability to act on our dreams and desires. Here we learn to really live our life purpose, and do what we love in life. We must learn to act on inner wisdom and higher guidance, and trust that we will be supported when we do what we love.
When we reach a state of neutrality in this palace, we are doing exactly what we came here to do, and we absolutely know it! It is an ecstatic feeling of being in perfect alignment with life. Our work--regardless of what it may be--is no longer work to us. It is our life's work, filled with passion and purpose. We accept the world, feel a part of it, and feel a contribution to making it a better place. We trust ourselves to take actions to make our dreams become a reality.
Perspective
First I have to say "YEAH CRYSTAL RAVEN!" "My comfort zone is definitely working face-to-face in a group and the online/blogging requires more of me to be present to myself, a particular challenge for me." Screw the COMFORT ZONE get after it and shake it up! Love it! Be the tambourine! This advice directly from Blew Thunder in a conversation I had with both Kachina and him yesterday.
So flood gates be open... the perspective I received in that conversation was simple. Very simple. Quit being the victim. For me part of this journey is dealing with abandonment issues, another part forgiveness of self, another is knowing that I am enough and I do love myself, and yet another still is addiction (which is a tricky bastard).
The victim: I am not a victim of my reality. The consequences of my actions are solely brought to me by me. I am the attractant. I am required to take responsibility for my reality or I will be spinning my wheels for as long as it takes to "get a grip." That was a tough one to wrap my head around.
Abandonment: My parents seperated when I was 18 months old and my Mother couldn't take care of me any more so she gave me to my Dad when I was 24 months. They were fighting the entire time I was in the womb and that has only set up for me the feeling of guilt and blame. I've felt my entire life (unknowingly until yesterday) that it was my fault my parents divorced. I'm coming to terms with this. As of now it still chokes me up. I know in my head it's not my fault...it's my heart that needs to really know it though.
Forgiveness: This is where I forgive myself. Still working on it but it has been acknowledged. I am honored to have gotten this lesson expecially in such an "in your face way." It came gently from BT and K but there is no running away from this either. Can't run away from what I know, tried it-not fun. I'm no longer beating myself up over the lessons I'm getting but choosing to look at them with gratitude. It's not easy, in fact it's exhausting, but I have been assured that it will become easier.
Enoughness and Love: This is where I become a person living in my heart. I am a few days behind everyone I believe, I'm at day 13. The question "what changes would you make if you could make any changes you desired?" Well for me to attain the feeling of being enough and deserving love all of these things that I have spoken of need to start rolling. I'm ready and willing, I'm pushing the stone off the hill and watching it roll. Through guidance and Great Spirit I know that all of this is possible. As I have been told I can write my own future.
Addiction: My final crux, addiction. I've had an entity residing in me since I was, well forever. He (it) has helped me survive with loneliness, abandonment, negativity, the lack of communication from my family, and life. It has given me the gift of keeping myself totally cut off from my emotions, and frankly reality. I have a sex addiction. I've miscontrued sex/attention with love. That has made it impossible to have a real intimate relationship with anyone, including myself. It became the escape. I was able to run away from anything that was a challenge in my life with some form of sex. In the beginning I found anyone that would "give it up". I bounced from one meaningless relationship to another and within relationships I cheated on them. Obviously hurting myself and them. I sought prostitutes, random hook-ups, one night stands, D all the above. I've been wreckless with my life and it has affected the relationships I've had including the one I'm in now. The reality of my current situation is that if I don't turn around and look at my past, acknowledge my faults, forgive myself, learn to deserve love because I AM enough, and then continue with the future I envision with gratitude, it will lead me down the path that I've gone too many times before. It's do or die time right now...and I'm not dying. With that said I have a lot to work on, but I don't feel daunted. I've learned to embrace these lessons. Now I'm just moving forward with gratitude for them and as BT says becoming the miracle.
So flood gates be open... the perspective I received in that conversation was simple. Very simple. Quit being the victim. For me part of this journey is dealing with abandonment issues, another part forgiveness of self, another is knowing that I am enough and I do love myself, and yet another still is addiction (which is a tricky bastard).
The victim: I am not a victim of my reality. The consequences of my actions are solely brought to me by me. I am the attractant. I am required to take responsibility for my reality or I will be spinning my wheels for as long as it takes to "get a grip." That was a tough one to wrap my head around.
Abandonment: My parents seperated when I was 18 months old and my Mother couldn't take care of me any more so she gave me to my Dad when I was 24 months. They were fighting the entire time I was in the womb and that has only set up for me the feeling of guilt and blame. I've felt my entire life (unknowingly until yesterday) that it was my fault my parents divorced. I'm coming to terms with this. As of now it still chokes me up. I know in my head it's not my fault...it's my heart that needs to really know it though.
Forgiveness: This is where I forgive myself. Still working on it but it has been acknowledged. I am honored to have gotten this lesson expecially in such an "in your face way." It came gently from BT and K but there is no running away from this either. Can't run away from what I know, tried it-not fun. I'm no longer beating myself up over the lessons I'm getting but choosing to look at them with gratitude. It's not easy, in fact it's exhausting, but I have been assured that it will become easier.
Enoughness and Love: This is where I become a person living in my heart. I am a few days behind everyone I believe, I'm at day 13. The question "what changes would you make if you could make any changes you desired?" Well for me to attain the feeling of being enough and deserving love all of these things that I have spoken of need to start rolling. I'm ready and willing, I'm pushing the stone off the hill and watching it roll. Through guidance and Great Spirit I know that all of this is possible. As I have been told I can write my own future.
Addiction: My final crux, addiction. I've had an entity residing in me since I was, well forever. He (it) has helped me survive with loneliness, abandonment, negativity, the lack of communication from my family, and life. It has given me the gift of keeping myself totally cut off from my emotions, and frankly reality. I have a sex addiction. I've miscontrued sex/attention with love. That has made it impossible to have a real intimate relationship with anyone, including myself. It became the escape. I was able to run away from anything that was a challenge in my life with some form of sex. In the beginning I found anyone that would "give it up". I bounced from one meaningless relationship to another and within relationships I cheated on them. Obviously hurting myself and them. I sought prostitutes, random hook-ups, one night stands, D all the above. I've been wreckless with my life and it has affected the relationships I've had including the one I'm in now. The reality of my current situation is that if I don't turn around and look at my past, acknowledge my faults, forgive myself, learn to deserve love because I AM enough, and then continue with the future I envision with gratitude, it will lead me down the path that I've gone too many times before. It's do or die time right now...and I'm not dying. With that said I have a lot to work on, but I don't feel daunted. I've learned to embrace these lessons. Now I'm just moving forward with gratitude for them and as BT says becoming the miracle.
Thursday, January 27
Are You Dreaming Big Enough?
Eagle Eye has inspired me to say a bit about my 90 day experiences. This is the second time I've done the journey. The first was while I was at White Sage for 3 months the very end of 2008. I was there for almost exactly 90 days and finished the East and the South. When I got home I continued and did finish several months later. Somethings about the experience at home left me incomplete. Kachina and Blew Thunder were complete with their process and the spiritual container we created as a group of three seemed to be closed. At the very least it was only standing on one of three legs! I also missed having the constant interaction and opportunity to experience the lessons with two incredible teachers. Regardless, I had lots of expansion and shifting that occurred in my life and I am forever grateful for the opportunity that was offered to me.
One day Michael said to me "maybe you're not dreaming big enough". That simple statement is blazing in my mind during this current Medicine Wheel Walk. I'm using it as a touchstone telling myself to dream big although I could really use some of that badger energy! OMG! I just got that I need to call on badger for help (thanks BT). My comfort zone is definitely working face-to-face in a group and the online/blogging requires more of me to be present to myself, a particular challenge for me. Thank you all for sharing yourselves and for being in my circle during this time. Blessings and Grace.
Crystal Raven
One day Michael said to me "maybe you're not dreaming big enough". That simple statement is blazing in my mind during this current Medicine Wheel Walk. I'm using it as a touchstone telling myself to dream big although I could really use some of that badger energy! OMG! I just got that I need to call on badger for help (thanks BT). My comfort zone is definitely working face-to-face in a group and the online/blogging requires more of me to be present to myself, a particular challenge for me. Thank you all for sharing yourselves and for being in my circle during this time. Blessings and Grace.
Crystal Raven
This is not Dark Horse. It is her husband Mojo Navigator. I m really liking the ritual of putting on the stones or oil, taking the flower essences, putting on the Unity Tone cd and then coloring int the workbook. The coloring really focuses my intention. Answering the questions before coloring brings my mind into the present and leads it to the task of figuring out things like what symbol represents my higher power. We do this together at the same time every day. I can see how doing this 90 days in a row will be transforming. ONWARD!
Wednesday, January 26
The first step
Well I would like to introduce myself...I'm Steve Eagle Eye Lyall. A little history from me, I have attempted the 90 journey officially once before and once on my own both ending tragically. Tragically because of the lack of persistance with it. The first time I went to the circle meetings, while Kachina and Blew were in Anchorage, I played along fooling myself into an illusion. The illusion was I was going to do this to acquire clarity on my life as I knew it. Well that worked I just didn't receive it until now...years later. I only fininshed the East and at most 2 or 3 days into the South. Honesty at the time was difficult for me to convey to anyone including myself. I kept along, meeting on the days required, and still in my personal life doing the bare minimum. Personal life consisting of job, emotional work, relationship, addiction, and of course the 90 day journey. I seemed to be a fraud...though I was learning lessons, and especially in retrospec,t WOW, have I learned some lessons. On to the second time maybe a year later or so I don't really remember. I started again out of spite almost. In my relationship I have always been motivated by what my partner is doing for herself. First issue learned. I wanted to "work" on me by starting and completing the 90 day journey; maybe to prove something...not sure what or to whom. What I learned out of this experience was I can't do anything for anyone else thinking it is going to make me a better person. Only when I realized that I have to do what is good for me in order to be good to others was this journey a true reality. That leads me to now. I am working on consistancy and being persistant. I am doing this 90 day journey this time for me. In order to, in the long run, help others. Helping others isn't the primary goal though I know it will be tangent that comes with the territory. I welcome that. So now in this third time I will finish. I am incredibly grateful for the oppurtunity to be here in this group. By the graciousness of Kachina and Blew Thunder I have been able to join this group now. I had started it on my own again before I contacted them for more info that I was missing. I am ready to bare my soul to myself, my partner, my family, and this group. Ironically for me everyone but a few in this group I don't know. It is a huge lesson for me to be able to speak my truth to not only people that I know but more importantly to have the courage to speak to the people that I don't. This will help me to make the transition to living in my heart from my brain. I'm working on the Prosperity Palace. That for me is powerful as I am quite judgemental, opinionated, worried of what others think of me, at times filled with guilt and jealousy, and overall don't believe that I am enough. I see others telling me I am a great person for years they have been saying that. Just took till now for me to start to believe it :) I'm on a path that is leading to the unknown but what I do know is that if I'm honest with myself and forthcoming with others I will be taken care of. I look forward to continuing this journey and keeping in regular contact. Again I would like to say thank you to Kachina and Blew for this oppurtunity in joining the circle. I'm eagerly awaiting the package. In gratitude for Great Spirit. Thanks, Eagle Eye
My husband has a sweet tooth...a variation on the tapioca came to me
1 cup organic tapioca
1 cup apple cider
half cup OJ
half cup coconut water (guidance told me all coconut, I substituted with cider and OJ as I didn't have it on hand)
cook until clear
Add
half cup unsweetened fine grated organic dry coconut
a third cup large grate coconut
quarter cup maple syrup
a third cup crushed pecans tossed in syrup
spread lightly on top
Bake 350 30 minutes or less depending on consistency you prefer- we like it chewy
this is a dense treat- only need tiny portions to satisfy
Again ,use all organic ingredients and check first for benefit
I am still wishing more people would blog and share their input and experiences
from the winter wonderland of Pennsylvania.....Dark Horse
Add
1 cup organic tapioca
1 cup apple cider
half cup OJ
half cup coconut water (guidance told me all coconut, I substituted with cider and OJ as I didn't have it on hand)
cook until clear
Add
half cup unsweetened fine grated organic dry coconut
a third cup large grate coconut
quarter cup maple syrup
a third cup crushed pecans tossed in syrup
spread lightly on top
Bake 350 30 minutes or less depending on consistency you prefer- we like it chewy
this is a dense treat- only need tiny portions to satisfy
Again ,use all organic ingredients and check first for benefit
I am still wishing more people would blog and share their input and experiences
from the winter wonderland of Pennsylvania.....Dark Horse
Add
Monday, January 24
Blogging doesn't come easily for me. In light of the co-creative essential in this process I do hope to contribute more regularly.
I found the reports of stone soreness interesting as the one on my spine also became a sore( i cannot see it well) the ones on my feet do not bother me but I have notice diagonal sensations.
I strayed off the diet a little, not much, this weekend as we had family in for a memorial service
and I weakened my resolve. Although I didn't have a negative reaction I heard my body clearly state its preference for eating core foods.
What Kachina described struck a chord in me as, eating mostly core diet foods this last year I noticed a similar cycling. I was interested to hear that staying less diverse is better when fasting.
I am loving the work in the workbook and am a little behind in this also due to this weekend's
family time. I found myself having all sorts of emotions and resistance to writing a creation story and was also able to work through it with persistence. The first time I reread it I hated it but the last time I actually liked it which I found to be pretty interesting. I like the power of repetition
in creating insight. The artistic side of it is something I look forward to eagerly.
Much gratitude and love to my cocreative circle. Hope to hear from more of you.
Dark Horse
I found the reports of stone soreness interesting as the one on my spine also became a sore( i cannot see it well) the ones on my feet do not bother me but I have notice diagonal sensations.
I strayed off the diet a little, not much, this weekend as we had family in for a memorial service
and I weakened my resolve. Although I didn't have a negative reaction I heard my body clearly state its preference for eating core foods.
What Kachina described struck a chord in me as, eating mostly core diet foods this last year I noticed a similar cycling. I was interested to hear that staying less diverse is better when fasting.
I am loving the work in the workbook and am a little behind in this also due to this weekend's
family time. I found myself having all sorts of emotions and resistance to writing a creation story and was also able to work through it with persistence. The first time I reread it I hated it but the last time I actually liked it which I found to be pretty interesting. I like the power of repetition
in creating insight. The artistic side of it is something I look forward to eagerly.
Much gratitude and love to my cocreative circle. Hope to hear from more of you.
Dark Horse
Saturday, January 22
Wow
So much is happening for me already! About 3 days ago, I had already been on the Core Food Fast since Tuesday the 11th, and I got a very clear guidance to shift my foods. I have been making small forays into raw foods for many years, always knowing that it was not quite in alignment with my personal timing. I would begin, and then start feeling a cold stomach, and as though something was missing from my diet, and would need to return to a mixture of cooked and raw.
This time I am truly ready on all levels, and I am to use this 90 days as my transition time between combined foods and almost completely raw foods. I am so glad I waited until my body was really ready, as I am feeling only more and more energy, and the food is very satisfying, unlike the previous attempts. It seems when the frequency has been raised gradually, it is so much easier to make a shift! I will keep you informed if I experience a setback. Have already had a day of cleansing symptoms where I felt achy all over. Then it was gone and it feels like the sun is shining inside my body!
I also want to say how much I enjoy checking in with everyone through this blog. It is so great to have that connection to others who are doing the same thing. I must admit that I am a little behind in my journal though.
The Yin Wei Mai--Relationship Palace
The patterns held in the yin wei mai are set during infancy and early childhood, up until about age 6. People who are working in this palace have a soul curriculum that involves breaking through the illusion of roles, to experience the equality within us all that transcends these roles. It also involves letting go of the past and the future to be fully in the present moment.
Aspects of these patterns can include:
*The relationship with the past--Who am I becoming in relation to where I have been?
*How we perceive that life has affected us; midlife crisis, mental breakdown, identity crisis
*According to the Chinese medicine masters, the degree of aging symptoms is proportional to how many experiences we are holding onto. The amount of attention we hold in the present moment determines how much Qi, blood, or energy is available to us.
If we have suppression or stagnation in this channel, we may try to fulfill our needs through giving to others. We may find ourselves in a role of helping others or trying to change others. We may try to please others or to be something we think they need us to be. We may try to hold on in relationships that are actually over. We may try to avoid commitment in a relationship. Or we may experience inequality in our relationships.
When we have reached a level of neutrality in this channel, we are no longer tempted to feed past events or future possibilities with our attention. We no longer seek fulfillment through relationships, and we know that everything we need is already within us; we are equal with all life.
Kachina
This time I am truly ready on all levels, and I am to use this 90 days as my transition time between combined foods and almost completely raw foods. I am so glad I waited until my body was really ready, as I am feeling only more and more energy, and the food is very satisfying, unlike the previous attempts. It seems when the frequency has been raised gradually, it is so much easier to make a shift! I will keep you informed if I experience a setback. Have already had a day of cleansing symptoms where I felt achy all over. Then it was gone and it feels like the sun is shining inside my body!
I also want to say how much I enjoy checking in with everyone through this blog. It is so great to have that connection to others who are doing the same thing. I must admit that I am a little behind in my journal though.
The Yin Wei Mai--Relationship Palace
The patterns held in the yin wei mai are set during infancy and early childhood, up until about age 6. People who are working in this palace have a soul curriculum that involves breaking through the illusion of roles, to experience the equality within us all that transcends these roles. It also involves letting go of the past and the future to be fully in the present moment.
Aspects of these patterns can include:
*The relationship with the past--Who am I becoming in relation to where I have been?
*How we perceive that life has affected us; midlife crisis, mental breakdown, identity crisis
*According to the Chinese medicine masters, the degree of aging symptoms is proportional to how many experiences we are holding onto. The amount of attention we hold in the present moment determines how much Qi, blood, or energy is available to us.
If we have suppression or stagnation in this channel, we may try to fulfill our needs through giving to others. We may find ourselves in a role of helping others or trying to change others. We may try to please others or to be something we think they need us to be. We may try to hold on in relationships that are actually over. We may try to avoid commitment in a relationship. Or we may experience inequality in our relationships.
When we have reached a level of neutrality in this channel, we are no longer tempted to feed past events or future possibilities with our attention. We no longer seek fulfillment through relationships, and we know that everything we need is already within us; we are equal with all life.
Kachina
Friday, January 21
Death of the Old
Going through what feels like death. Experiencing an emotional flu, flu symptoms physically with emotional draining. Not fun but the more that gets released the better.
Thank you ALL.
Michelle
Core Food Fast
I didn't have any experience with blogging and felt reluctant about doing it. Now that I've gotten my feet wet and have "broken the ice" I'm feeling more comfortable......just wanted to say I started the core food fast today....yummy spuds!
Blessings,
Maggie
Blessings,
Maggie
Thursday, January 20
Closings and Openings
The day we did our opening ceremony I was able to complete a relationship with a friend and teacher that had become out of balance. I knew I couldn't let the ceremony begin without having that conversation and the closure needed for me. From the moment I released that relationship doors have been opening with opportunity for me to step further into my work. That same evening I was asked to help someone do a cleansing in their home, which turned out to be an incredible experience for both the owner and myself. I had opportunity to work from an expanded place within myself with a new sense of freedom and gratitude, a place I hadn't been in for quite some time. And then someone scheduled a healing session for this weekend and today I prepared liver cleanses to meet several requests. It took me months to bring closure to this relationship and literally minutes later for Spirit to bring in lovely, joy-filled support. Letting go and allowing my good, opening the crack of vulnerability for even an instance, allows the Universe to work in my life in complete abundance.
In Service & Gratitude,
Maggie Crystal Raven
In Service & Gratitude,
Maggie Crystal Raven
Tuesday, January 18
Breaking Down and Breaking Through
Walking through the emotions that have lived within me for so very long, facing fears that have kept me trapped and moving through with patience and strength. Living my self in the face of challenge and filling my soul with the joy of rainbows after the storm. Honored and Grateful.
Many thanks to ALL, Michelle
Psychic Surgery and Gratitude
First, I'd like to say thank you to each one doing this Medicine Wheel Walk with me. I feel very supported by both the seen and the unseen worlds and am grateful you're all out there. I've noticed an increase sense of taste and smell. Not all together pleasant - it seems as though mold has been everywhere I go these days! Currently using a small diffuser with essential oils to help clear mold at home (even tho' I can't see it anywhere). None of my housemates are smelling it! I'm also noticing the gift of less mind chatter this week, a true blessing.
This morning I woke up noticing a really sore spot on the instep of my right foot, just down from a bead placed on my wisdom channel. It's a perfectly straight,incision-like cut about 1 1/4" long, running North and South (heel to toe). Kathryn had mentioned there could be some reaction to the beads so I took them off and sent her an email. She has asked the psychic surgeons to be with us in this process and I immediately knew I was being deeply assisted in my healing. Another aha of how I get scared and a little panicky when I feel like something is wrong with my health. The truth is I am fully and completely supported in this process and fully willing to receive the assistance and the guidance that is being offered by the masters. I am having so many aha moments! Blessings...
Maggie Crystal Raven
This morning I woke up noticing a really sore spot on the instep of my right foot, just down from a bead placed on my wisdom channel. It's a perfectly straight,incision-like cut about 1 1/4" long, running North and South (heel to toe). Kathryn had mentioned there could be some reaction to the beads so I took them off and sent her an email. She has asked the psychic surgeons to be with us in this process and I immediately knew I was being deeply assisted in my healing. Another aha of how I get scared and a little panicky when I feel like something is wrong with my health. The truth is I am fully and completely supported in this process and fully willing to receive the assistance and the guidance that is being offered by the masters. I am having so many aha moments! Blessings...
Maggie Crystal Raven
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