"I accept crumbs in fear if starvation, never understanding how full I already am."
~Michelle Lynx
Sunken deep in the water of emotional turmoil and hit at every turn with the responsibilities of my life, finding the time to allow any of it to surface or break open has been a struggle till this awakening moment at 3:30am.
Over the years I have traveled down my healing path breaking open issues with all of my parents, trudging through the muck to the other side and then all over again as the next issues surface. This is no different, except for the understanding that my abandonment/father issue is only the instigator not the issue. This is good news as I am almost there, and I breath, ahhhhhhhhhhhh!
The story of my mother and me.
Her childhood left her wounded, deeply wounded from years of abuse to which it's amazing she survived. She desperately wanted a baby, someone to love and even more, someone to love her. After several miscarriages she had all but given up when she became pregnant with me. She couldn't allow herself to get attached, believing that she wouldn't carry me to term, she told herself throughout that I wasn't real. I made it through and from this moment forward I had my role intact. I was to fulfill her, fill the voids and be the love she longed for. I didn't do a very good job as the story goes ,the more she tried to "love"me the more I pushed her away. From infancy, I wouldn't cuddle, snuggle or allow closeness. She thought for a very long time that I hated her because every time she tried to snuggle me I cried till she put me down. I believe I knew, as I know now, when someone "needs" my energy to fill them.
Over time I figured out, to be loved I needed to fill the void and have done that ever since. I carried her pain for a very long time making it my own. At one point in my healing process, I spent the entire intensive processing trauma that never happened to me, events I never experienced. The trauma was my mothers and in the end, with this fully exposed, I was able to release that darkness and was reborn into my own light.
My role in relationships stayed the same. Interestingly, I start out strong unwilling to fill the void and take on the pain, then give in wanting that love till my tolerance runs out, (this is a very long time-I have an amazing amount of tolerance) and then I am done, shut down completely and over it, not willing to let anyone in for a very long time. I should add that through the tolerance, I shut down. Then slowly the pattern starts all over again with different people, or better said, it's ongoing with different people.
I have experienced this with EVERY relationship in my life, the hook in for me, the moment I go from resistance to submission is the moment I fear abandonment (my father issue). This would put me at around age 4-6, when my brother was born, my first "dad" left and I met my real father for the first time who wasn't interested in me.
It's an illusion to believe love is sacrifice. To abandon the true source of love, yourself, in hope of gaining something "love" that isn't even available. The ultimate trick!
After years of healing, understanding and forgiving, I have a relationship with my mother that doesn't have me in that old role. I love her and honor the beautiful woman she is with gratitude everyday for her love and the lessons of our relationship.
It's all the other relationships in my present life that resemble this painful lesson that I get to look at today. The gifts that lead me to my true self. The joy of being grateful to what once brought so much pain.
Aho,
Michelle
