Since I was a wee-tot guilt had always been my emotional drug of choice. I'm pretty sure I came out of the womb with a specific agreement with guilt in this lifetime.
My mother would always make comments alluding to "my guilty complex" or that they (my parents) didn't have to worry about me misbehaving because "I was too guilty" ironically, I was dubbed the angle because, my guilt/some element of fear, was such a huge influence of my personality and decision making process that it made me a very safe and trustworthy child.
Looking back now I can see that at a young age I was very sensitive and aware, as I'm sure all children are. I felt very connected to the earth and had a huge reaction to littering. I would always pick-up after my friends and attempt to persuade them to stop disrespecting the earth.
I had a sense that every time someone littered she felt pain and it hurt her, mother earth that is. I felt it and it ate away at me, the beginning of my hopelessness and my guilt that I couldn't do more to save her.
Enter the dark depression of my teenage years where I lived in a pool of misery that until recently I didn't fully understand. I was helpless to save the earth, her pain was my pain, was my guilt. Every time I felt sad, depressed any of the "negative" emotions, I would sacrifice and abuse myself internally because, there were people in the world starving, animals with no voice being murdered, rain forests and oceans being destroyed, all of these things that I was powerless to stop but still, how dare I feel sorry for myself when all my basic human needs and then some were met? And so as a way to live with the guilt of my privileged life and powerlessness I settled on depression, I felt that if I kept myself miserable at least mother earth would know that I was choosing to feel her pain fully with her and she would not have to be alone.
Enter Kathryn Sharp who showed me a new way to view the world. Who taught me the power of my thoughts and how by holding a positive vision for mother earth I was doing far more to assist her then by clinging to a negative one. Instantly my depression lifted, since I had been making a choice all along to keep it, with that simple change in perception I no longer needed to maintain my level of self-inflicted pain and instead I would hold something else, something bright, positive and hopeful.
In this moment I have arrived at a crossroad. In an attempt to maintain this positive vision I have allowed myself to become ignorant to all global issues, more or less. The recent earthquakes, I know nothing but that they happened. The further destruction of the amazon, animal poaching, whatever it is I know it exists but I have to separate myself from the details or daily reminders/news otherwise my vision will fade from bright to grey.
However my beautiful bubble of ignorance has been popped and I beginning to think I'm missing a piece of the picture. The recent oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico has triggered me something fierce. I heard about it a few days ago and tried desperately to shut it out but it's getting bigger and it was brought to my direct attention again this evening and I am reacting. It's everything all coming flooding back.
My anger, disappointment and complete contempt for the human race. My huge sadness for all the marine life and the ocean water itself. And my hopelessness and frustration that all we can do is sit back and watch the destruction and the suffering.
The information came in that I am to go get a newspaper tomorrow and read the story about the oil spill. I don't know why but I feel there is a block here that wants to be set free and healed. I no longer feel that ignorance is the best way to approach this and that perhaps having more information will allow me to have a stronger more specific vision?
I am clear that I am here as an earth worker, whatever that means. Oddly and yet now it makes so much sense, looking directly at that problem, in this case the oil spill, is not a place I would willingly like to go so obviously it is exactly where I am to go, my blind spot if you will.
Sorry if this doesn't make any sense it is all coming in right now.
There are so many more elements of this that a pouring into me at this moment but that I can't clearly articulate so I'll stop here for now.
I am not sure if this is an appropriate request but I would like to ask Kathryn or anyone else who may have any information/positive perceptions on the oil spill to speak to this situation and share their input. I am desperately trying to see the silver lining here but seem to be blinded to it, any other perspective other then doom and gloom in regards to the level of destruction done to the ocean would be greatly appreciated, please!
Holding strong in my vision for peace, love and full global regeneration!
Aho.
