First of all. it's been a while... I have been a bit rebellious lately, against my will! I am having an over-powering problem with commitments!!! I cant commit to ANYTHING lately. ANYTHING. Even the things I want so badly to do... I cant.
The other day I was talking to this lady on the phone about our dogs and we got to talking about taking our dogs for walks and I told her how I take my boy on these amazing walks daily that wear him out than she was like "ooh well, maybe you would be interested in taking my dog on walks with you, I can pay you" and NATURALLY I was tickled with the thought of it, I had never met her dog before but she sounded like the sweetest little thing and seriously, what better job for me, hanging out with my boy and other random dogs AND getting paid for it?? common, that has my name written allllllll over it. SO we made this plan, I was going to call her the next day, whenever it was that I decided to go and that was that. I was very excited! the second we got off the phone, I sat there smiling and giddy at the very idea of it.....seconds went by and THUD! my heart plummeted into my stomach and I got this awful feeling like "ooh my goooooood, I cant do this, I CAN NOT do this" and I started to panic and completely shut down. I all of a sudden felt like I had this HUGE responsibility and obligation and I was expected to live up to all these expectations and I just couldn't do it!!! and that is how my life has been lately, to the extreme. I can return phone calls, I cant e mail people back, I cant follow through on dates that I make with people,I cant blog, or work in my journal... it's driving me crazy! I don't know where this came from but it is serious business! Very overpowering.. Anything where I feel like people have an expectation of me... I shut down. I want to curl up into a little ball under a million blankets with my hands over my ears and hide. I am not enjoying these reactions and very much so plan to learn this lesson quickly and move on!
Next, my journey with meat. It's difficult for me because I just can not seem to grasp a taste for it. I was a vegetarian so so long that... I learned every single filling food around it, "it's just not for me." BUT I did recently discover the "secret messages in meat" over the last few days, I have been getting bits and pieces of the code. Let me explain... In the beginning when I brought meat back into my diet, I had this over powering urge that "I NEED to eat some meat, NOW!" since I listened to that, that urge has gone away and now it is much more subtle and I recently put this together. Nowadays.... gosh, I don't even know how to word this... Ok, for instance, the last few blogs ago that I wrote I talked about seeing that cat on the side of the road that had died, normally when I would have totally lost it,I was calm, pulled over, did a ceremony and "let it go." Well the other night my parents called my from Bethel and told me about this sweet little puppy that is chained up outside someone's house on a chain so short that she cant even sit upright, and is soooo skinny and clearly under fed in -40 below weather, basically freezing to death and they can hear her crying all day and all night... and that just completely broke my heart, I went into my usual low, how I used to back in the day. I was honestly about to get on the internet to and buy a $500.00 ticket out to bethel the next day to kidnap her and bring her into anchorage with me and give her to the animal shelter I volunteer with to find her a good home, than my sister came back from her boyfriends house and told me about the movie they had just watched "The Cove" about the slaughter of dolphins in Japan...?? OOh my god!, I was already downing beers since the story my parents told me about the dog than she was telling me this and I just went into my usual crazy mode. My body started shaking and my heart was pounding and I just started crying, I was like "ooh my god, where do I go first, Japan or Bethel?" than out of no where, I wasn't even hungry, I was very much so on a passionate beer kick not wanting to process any of this information that I couldnt do anything about,than into my head poped "I need to eat some meat" I thought this was crazy but have been very devoted to "listening" lately so I scrounged through my freezer and found some caribou and cooked a small bit of it and nibbled on it, than.....aaaaah, everything was ok, my body relaxed, I wasn't panicked.....I, cant really explain it. It was like... I just got it...like, the meat was communicating with me... it sounds crazy I know, but SOMETHING shifted. Seriously shifted. It's like, I have this sort of agreement with meat, as funny as that may sound, where it helps me with all my animal stuff AND my animal communication alone. The other day I saw another cat on the side of the road and I haven't eaten meat in a while, and I had a little panic attack, not a bad one, but I did freak out a little, so I went home, cooked up some moose,emideatedy got very calm than did a ceremony and felt the cats presence very strongly than felt him leave and everything was ok... It's weird this is just how it has been lately... Than last night Lindsey and I went over to rebecca's house and Lindsey was telling us about the book her boyfriend just read about this man who went around asking all these indigenous tribes HOW it is that they communicate with the plants, animals and what not and each and every tribe said the same thing, they said that "they take them in, and once the plants or the animals digests their DNA blends with their own DNA than they have clear communication with the plant or animal!" HA! that is what I'm doing... right??
Anyhow, I just thought that was very interesting considering what I have been observing with myself... Thank you for listening!!
LOVE & GRATITUDE
Mother Wolf Spirit Talker
