I want to be brave. I want to leap forward and begin the work that I have created for myself over the last few years. But, like a child I can't remember what my original passion was. I can't remember that thing that got me so excited that it motivated me to change the way I choose to create the life I was living before, the one that was safe and comfortable but passionless and full of uhggg. I am attempting to go back and visualize and remember what it is that I always dreamt about, what got me excited, how I wanted to fill my days? I'm too caught up in "the big picture" lets downsize and take it day by day, task by task. External opinions, judgements, masks and monsters mirror my fears back to me. "You can't make money doing what you're doing" "Get a job to support you on the side first" "Just do something, anything!"
It is a scary place to be being full on confronted by what you fear most by the people you love most who are simply doing their job of self-reflection. So yes I am scared because I don't know what any of this was for. I don't know how to take all that I've gathered and turn it into something beautiful that I can be proud of and inspired by. I don't know if this was simply an experience of the other end of the pendulum out of balance. From overworked to under-worked and now I have to find my way to a happy medium. Does that mean getting a job to support me while I attempt to follow my heart? Maybe. I know I have to be open to whatever it is that is meant to be but I also have to be willing to make something happen for myself in spite of the anxiety and fear I feel. So now I ask myself yet again "Where is your heart, what is it you want to create with all that you've gathered? Attempting to feel into my body for the answer, for the knowing of the next move. The only thing I'm sure of is I must silence the internal and external voices that reek shrilly of fear and urgency. For tomorrow is a myth and today is the gift so really all I need to ask myself is what can I do today? What can I do today? WHAT can I do today!?
