Creating ways to learn about myself

It's amazing that while in the west everything has a way of turning me inward. I like to create sensory tubs for my boys to play in and for Feb. I made one with lavender rice and among many other things added shiny little red confetti hearts. it was fun but going into March I wanted to make a new one. What I thought was a process of separating to make a new tub turned more into a thought process of myself and how I do things.

I am one of those people who on a hike enjoy it along the way, right up to the point of seeing the destination, then I get excited and make a sprint for it or if it gets hard along the way I may give up, speed up to make it go faster or take more breaks and work to convince myself to keep going. I have over time recognized this and worked to slow my pace and enjoy the process of getting there rather than focused on the end result. What I experienced in this craft project was exactly that, the process my mind goes through while I am in action of something, anything.

The result, I sat playing in the lavender rice after the hour in a half it took to remove the confetti and forgot about the next project till quite awhile later. In the end I was able to let go of giving up and of being incredibly anal about getting every single piece. Hurray for being in the moment and hurray for the west and getting to know myself deeper and clearer.

I recommend this process to anyone looking for a deeper insight into the workings of the mind, it is quite rewarding.

Aho,

Michelle

Death

It's interesting how death sends a message of reality to me. A friend of mine died today. He was a genuine person that looked for the good in people. In October I sent him off of the slope in a medivac for treatment at the Anchorage Native Hospital. Prior to that I had a dream of him and a Large Owl in a storm on the slope. I explained to him that I had this dream and he frankly said you have sent me a death sentence. He said in his village (Ruby) if anyone in the village saw an owl they would shoot it in fear of death...as they believed that the owl was the messenger of death. I too agree that the owl is a messenger of death. My wife made it clear to me that that death may not just be that of life but to a behavior or pattern. That resinated with me. I explained that to Walt and he said that is not how it works. Further he said in his village if the the owl were to land on the property the property owner would be dead with in 3 months. He not only believed this but had seen it throughout his life. After this conversation he went out on his regular patrol on the slope and saw 2 owls. I didn't believe him at first then he showed me the pictures. The 2 snowy owls standing on the edge of the road. Then he looked at me sort of jokingly and said I'm gonna die...soon.

Now the crazy thoughts that come to me are if he were still in the village with his health circumstances he would have died within 3 months. With the "help" of modern medicine he was in extreme pain maxed out on morphine prolonging what spirit would say was inevitable. He was just about to be sent to the MAYO clinic in Seattle when they told his family that he was too weak to make the flight. They waited just a bit too long. He died 4 days later.

Now for me this is the second funeral I've been to in recent years. Both have made me realize how fragile life is. Not to mention that if I'm not doing what I really want to do and what really makes me happy why am I doing it? It's not ironic that we are in the West. There are no coincidences. I am on the slope right now in the dark of night, in 40mph winds, with leterally no one around in my building. I've stepped directly into the West with the catalyst of death to help me look at life. That I can be grateful for...sadly.

This also brings up a huge point that I need to make concerning myself. Usually, as I've said in the past, I tell stories. This after looking at the stories I tell would be one of those in hopes of getting some "oh, I'm sorry this happend..." blah blah blah responses. I need to make it clear that I have acknowledged that even in circumstances such as this my addict doesn't care where the attention comes from. Negative or positive it is a cunning bastard. So in light of this realization I have to thank Walter for this lesson so bluntly in my face. Also I would like to add that if you feel inclined to say something to me I would ask you not to and instead send your prayers to Walt for him to pass to the stars with ease. It is not me that needs your attention.

Thank you for your prayers and these lessons.

Aho
Eagle Eye

Walking the West-the Journey of Non-attachment

Stargazer Walks with Bears, thank you for the reflections on your Sacred Space. I too have been focusing on my relationship with sacred space, inside and outside, through the last couple of weeks.

I realize that I have been operating under the illusion of a holding pattern, all because I have been attached to the form of my fulfillment. For many years, I had used the Sweat Lodge Ceremony as my weekly--sometimes daily--form of rebalancing, connecting with the Spirit World, and realigning with my own divine purpose. I had only a minimal idea of how much that ceremony had influenced what I was becoming; not only spiritually and energetically, but also the physical effects of continually purifying my body through sweating.

Since we arrived here at White Sage Landing, there has been not one opportunity for us to hold our Sweat Lodge ceremony. This is going on 2 and 1/2 years. I check in with guidance, which was very clear even at the beginning of this journey, that there would be a space of time just living day to day and setting intentions in the local energy grid, building the medicine wheel, and living. The sacred ceremonial space would come later. Everything must unfold in its own natural timing--there is no other way!

So I have been consciously choosing acceptance and non-attachment every time I catch my mind trying to paint a negative story about this situation, perceiving it as a loss. How clever the mind is in its attempts to get me to buy in to its version of the situation! The part I was missing, which I had uncovered just before the West Talking Circle, was to embrace the acceptance of this situation as PERFECT for the part of the cycle I am in now, perfect for building my INNER sacred space and inhabiting it.

With this understanding, I am suddenly able to let go of the desire for things to be different. I remember that the Sweat Lodge Ceremony is inside of me now. It is like a flower that blooms once every few years, and I can remember that, since it is truly a part of me, it will emerge into physical manifestation again (in perfect timing) like a flower.

Living My Dream

I am breaking the silence that I have had during this Medicine Wheel Walk. My intentions were so strong and I had so much excitement at the beginning of this process and then it seemed to fizzle out. I let someone else effect my center.

I have been thinking that I have to do this perfect, I want to do it and I have to honor where I am in this moment. I only have so much to give, I have to reflect on where my energy is going or where I am allowing it to be sucked away.

I had an Earth Spirit come to me in the middle of the night, or shall I say early morning. Although I say I want to work co-creatively I still reacted with fear. Instead of checking in and seeing what this Spirit was here for, and what they wanted to tell me, I turned the light on. ; ) I went back to sleep and had a dream about places where I had allowed my self to separate.

As a child when my father passed, the feeling that he left, again with my brother, then my son. When did I stop dreaming and acting on my dreams?

Why is it that I feel I have to have a temple room all of my own to go and have time to reflect and connect?

What is keeping me from dancing my dream in my own living room? Where someone might see me?

My sacred temple is within and I want my space to reflect that back to me.

I know I am a dreamer and I am asking for the Universe to help me remember the passion and grace.

Aho - All Our Relations

Going Into The West

I was guided to the "Sacred Path Cards" and the "West Shield" appeared just in time to venture into that direction on this journey. I am very familiar and comfortable in the west but this time I received a message that I haven't heard before.

"Bear reminds us that the west is a place of all tomorrows. If you are afraid of the unknown, it may be time to clear away the fear. Strength to accomplish this clearing is Bear's greatest medicine. Call on Bear and feel the courage to meet the future and fill your spirit."

I honor Bear and give gratitude for our connection. This go around I ask Bear to walk with me as I seek wisdom. I go into this silence receptive and open to receive. I will digest the answers, integrate the information and discern my truth. Through this personal truth I will take action and this action will flourish because my goals are based on my heart which is truth. I understand that the opinions of others is my own limitation and I break that limitation through this knowledge and move forward in my purpose and dream.

I am humbly grateful, Michelle

Truth and Gratitude for my Wife and Family

With the stories that I have told throughout my entire life it is coming full circle that the truth needs to be revealed. I have, even in the last 90 day journey I was in, told stories about my family life, wife, kids, mom, you name it. I painted a picture of my family being ungrateful and I always had to pick up the pieces. I told these stories to look like the victim as that was the way I looked at my own life. The bigger part here is I, in truth, was looking for some sort of sympathy or "attention" in any way that fed my entity, my addiction. I've learned that I tell stories in very sneaky ways including to myself. I remember in the last group that I made it look like my wife left me to do all of the work around the house. Keeping up with our 5 kids, working my split shifts, never sleeping, always feeling the brunt of all of the duties. In reality my wife is/was wonderful. She did what she could do and I held resentments over her for what I felt wasn't enough (which is BS). I see that I have resented myself for some time too. My part that I need to own with this group and myself and hopefully everyone that is reading this blog especially if they were a part of the last group I was in, is that I have appeared with a mask on. What you know of me has just been the surface me. I have put my wife in danger with my addictive behaviors by cheating on her throughout our relationship. I have lied repeatedly to her, myself, my kids, my mom, and to you all for not owning my real truth; for not telling the whole truth. My whole truth is only now coming to light-which I'm grateful for. I'm commited to honesty, though it is not always easy to speak. I'm letting go of who I was and embracing who I want to be. In the past I've pointed the finger especially at my wife for all of the hate I had for myself. She has loved me so openly and I have betrayed that love by holding her in a place, in the place of everyone that has ever betrayed me including myself. She has always been the bad guy in my eyes...until recently. I couldn't in my life accept love and she gave so freely especially in the beginning that it made me resent her because of the lack of love I had for myself. She truly showed me love and the only thing I could do was push it away by running in some way. I love myself and I am finally enough. Realizing that has helped me to accept that love which has made it easier to release my wife from this "bad guy" position. I have to say this to more than just myself so it is known, I can't have secrets any more. With this acknowledged I'm moving forward in the process, praying, staying in self referral as much as possible, and truly looking at life like it is fun again instead of being the victim. I thank everyone for being a part of this group and a part of my journey. With gratitude Eagle Eye.

Celebrating with Good Food

A few years ago when I was introduced to core foods and this healthy way of eating, I always took a break when it came to holidays and went back to my old favorites, as they were what I knew about "treating myself".

I have learned over the years that treating myself means taking care of myself and I am so very grateful for this knowledge and understanding along with Kathryn's cook book.

Our " Roasted Roots" dinner was amazing (beets to make it Valentine red) and for dessert our family enjoyed the Papaya Brownies from the "Food for Ascension" cook book, what a treat and all without any guilt or feeling icky tomorrow...

Changes

Clearly this process is amazing. Realizations are flowing through me faster than they ever have. I'm stepping into the real me, the Authentic ME. Yesterday I woke up not ready to get up but did anyway because the longer I roll around the more frustrated I get. I prayed as my eyes opened -which is a new daily event- and walked downstairs. I could feel this dark, sorry for myself, energy that has been so familiar for so long. It was the victim, the ego, the "point the finger" energy I've had for so long. I can now distinguish between the two energies clearly. "Ready" I say to myself "to let this go." I prayed, I did a blue road healing, I consentrated on a quote, and stepped into this dark energy- as myself. It was clear that I was lighting up the darkness through the grace of Great Spirit. I continued to pray throughout the day and finally it turned off-disappeared as if it were never there. I think it was a test from my guides. I have always given up with healing myself. Always asking for help but never taking it, standing in my own way. Side note my wife got me a book by Rudolf Steiner entitled "Start Now" (not sure you could be more obvious) and in that book there was one line in particular that stuck out to me "the quote"... Steadfastness stands higher than any success. So here I am receiving this huge gift late in the afternoon. I learned how to receive yesterday. By the end of the night I was dancing in the living room with my wife and kids. I have never danced with them, always been too shy - too in my own way. Allowing huge gifts of freedom -freedom from this dark entity- to pass into me has become easier. I'm willing to accept ME, and that is beautiful. My intention is to continue on this new EASIER path and acknowledging the Authentic ME. Thank you for this journey Kachina and Blew Thunder. By the way I have kept up with the book and instead of it feeling like a chore it has become something I look forward to everyday.

In Gratitude
Eagle Eye

Transmuting Pain

As we move through life on an evolutionary path, all of us get to pass through the initiation of the transmutation of pain. One of the very best and clearest descriptions of what it takes internally to pass through this initiation and into a life without pain, is published in Eckhart Tolle's book, The Power of Now. (Check out the blog entry--Dissolving Unconsciousness--posted on March 16, 2010).

Until reaching a level of higher consciousness, humans travel through life believing that we are victims of pain, that pain comes from somewhere or something beyond our control, and that everyone has to put up with pain in this life. We do not see that it is a choice that we have been feeding, and choosing, all of our lives. The transmutation of the pain body begins in that moment that we first begin to suspect that we are creating the pain we are experiencing, and that we are choosing it.

This is not an easy concept for us to embrace, as it exposes our true power, and the illusion of the ego, which tries very hard not to be exposed. It challenges us to dig deep into our own psyche, to find the underlying false beliefs that keep holding us in a state of victimization and powerlessness over pain. And finally, as we begin to close in on this initiation, we will be offered an opportunity to pass through, and transmute, our own pain.

Conscious preparation for this initiation comes through becoming more and more present in the experience of pain. The one, and really the only, lesson we must learn from pain, is SURRENDER. Pain gets worse when we try to ignore it, holding on to our own agenda regardless of the pain. We can learn to shut off pain, to push through pain, and even to transcend pain. These are all valuable lessons, and useful at various stages, but the only way to become free of pain is to learn to transmute pain. This can only be done by going consciously into the experience of pain, to its energetic source, and remain fully present in the pain, for as long as it takes to transmute it completely.

In learning the process of complete and perfect surrender, one must take their attention fully into the pain by going into its physical location. We keep returning the attention into the pain, over and over, as the mind begins to attempt to draw us out, into a mental "story" about the pain. This negative mental energy will keep trying to draw our attention out of the pain, and into story--always a story that casts us as a victim, a righteous one who does not deserve what life has brought, one who has no responsibility in the creation of the pain. This is the ego's way of generating more negativity, more energy to feed the pain body and keep it alive.

This transmutation will come for each of us. The light of our full attention burns through the pain and transmutes it into pure energy. We find that we have the power to transmute pain completely.

Many people do not pass through this initiation until they enter the dying process. You will see people in this process, as their body is breaking down, the light in their eyes becomes very strong. Through the experience of transmuting pain, the soul's light shines brighter and brighter as physical density is transmuted into light. We do not need to wait until we are dying to pass through this initiation, though. At one point in the process, each person will need to confront their fear of dying, as that is one of the ego's most powerful stories to maintain its control over our consciousness.

For more information on the exact techniques to pass through this level of consciousness, please do check out the title above by Eckhart Tolle.

In Love and Service,
Kachina

Hello again to everyone,
As I write and rewrite my affirmations nightly I am puzzled as to what exactly is meant in the health palace about pain by"mastering the lesson of surrender"- "once we we learn to surrender we are completely free of the experience of pain". At first I thought this was a referral to giving in to the rythym of pain which is a technique I use, then I thought this referred to my tendency to plow through things that maybe I should accept as too much at the expense of my body. Now I am guessing I have missed the point altogether which I really don't want to do so if anyone would like to share some insight into this I would be so appreciative as chronic and acute pain both compromise me at times.
In Gratitude, Dark Horse

The Liver's Role in Creating our Life Experience

Every so often, I have an opportunity to recall and then honor the huge role our livers have in creating our moment by moment reality. The liver is the largest solid organ (other than skin) in our bodies. It is responsible for many different jobs, one of the most important being transmutation.

When we experience excesses, cravings, or imbalances in life, blockages and stagnation occur in our energy body. On an emotional level, this looks like suppressed emotion; trying to stop the feelings, judging them, or keeping them "under control", creating a build up in stagnant energy somewhere in the body.

This almost always causes some form of anesthetization--seeking relief from feelings we don't want--by using food, alcohol, tobacco, pharmaceuticals, recreational drugs, or even some type of behavior to carry us out of this uncomfortable stagnant and blocked space.

On a physical level, as we are ingesting or participating in something to avoid the experience we are avoiding, the substances we take in carry a certain frequency. We will take them in an excessive quantity, using more than the balanced body would allow, and over riding the signals to stop that our body might be sending us.

Our liver must then work very hard to transmute these substances or metabolic chemicals and by-products of our excessive behavior. Instead of completing the job, a liver in overwhelm will simply store the toxicity in "safe" little storage units, getting it out of the blood so our bodies can continue to function, but not having enough energy and time to process and transmute these chemicals for elimination.

Now they are sitting there, just vibrating at the frequency level of whatever substance they came from: alcohol, drugs, overeating; and holding the emotional energy signature of that substance in our bodies. Eventually we will become so uncomfortable with this toxic baggage in our livers, that we will repeat our craving and excessive fulfilling cycle until the feeling goes away again--temporarily, while actually adding to the liver's overload. It is the cycle of addiction in the physical form.

These toxic liver accumulations create mood swings, depression, anger, frustration, resentment, and victimization within our emotional body that keeps this cycle in place. This is why dietary change, and herbal cleansing to initiate the clearing of this toxic build up is SO IMPORTANT in healing any addictive cycle. And it is not going to be "over" in a few months or even a few years--where we can now forget about it and go back to living the way we used to.

Instead, we have to choose the path of healing and becoming more conscious--over and over again--and make it a way of life. Healing is not a destination, it is a life path. Liver cleansing becomes a permanent part of our reality, along with a new way of eating, and a new way of thinking, losing self-judgement, embracing forgiveness, and reclaiming our power and responsibility in order to leave resentment and victimization behind. It becomes the walk of a Master, one that we may spend a lifetime 'mastering", and one with a profound growth potential on every level.

Many blessings for each of us on this path of healing and cleansing! Though we ALL underestimate the level of cleansing needed to experience the kind of life we want to live, we will always get little reminders that put us back on track...

Kachina

Hello fellow walkers
This has been an interesting week for me with some real highs and some terrible lows.
As an Earth activist, I try to always stay in a place of hope as despair renders me useless. This week I have felt the pain of our Earth in the face of human assault so clearly that I've become overtaken by uncontrollable sobbing. Studying the science of Earth healing and her imbalances makes it sometimes just too much emotionally. I try to redirect myself to holding healing visions and praying for the enlightenment of those who exploit her so shamelessly. The news this week of Monsanto's deeper death grip on our food and our planet has really challenged my ability to keep positive. I feel so disappointed in our leader for not taking a stand against them. It is hard to refrain from anger and even more so despair.

In the same week I felt real growth. I experienced insight and acknowledgement of my own patterns. I clearly see my lifelong habits of self sabotage. I recognize for the first time how my mind has worked against rather than with my body and spirit. I see it now before I do it instead of in retrospect. I pray I can keep this clarity of heart as this has allowed my transformative actions to begin.
Last night I had a vision. I say it was a vision because it happened in the same way as prior dream experiences that have turned out to be real. I was in a scene seeing through someone else's eyes, I did not realize whose at first. It was very chaotic and scary , I felt lost but determined to get away.Suddenly I woke with the realization that I was seeing through Tim's eyes. Tim is a 12 year old boy that I worked with in a one on one capacity 2 years ago. I was removed from the case after Children and Youth services were contacted as a result of my logs. His mother was gunning for me as I had exposed the abuse going on at home. Tim eventually was sent several counties away with his two brothers in foster care.
At school today I told someone involved in his case about the vision. Her response was she had no doubt it was real, yesterday was the hearing to determine if he would be going back or not. His younger brother had tried three time during the day to reach the school therapist.

The core diet is really helping me to tune in, I feel so grateful to have this opportunity.I savor each day.
My love to you all, Lisa

Perspective

The last couple of days have been far less fun than I remember in a long time. Our wood had dwindled to scraps trying to stretch it till my husband returns home, another week, and the drafty house that has consumed more trees in a small square footage than I have ever experienced, kept dropping in temperatures along with the outdoors. Our dryer takes a whole day to dry one load and my youngest keeps having accidents at night. After bundling up in all of my clothes and the last two clean blankets, I was still cold and turned on the electric heat to try and bring up the temps in this house. I didn't sleep all night and by this am the house was below 50, the outdoors -18, the dogs were cuddled up in the dirty laundry on the floor and all three children took hot showers to warm up enough to get to school. I turned off the heat as it was doing nothing and sat for a few minutes, almost in tears, when I made the choice to change my perspective.

I asked for guidance to help me find other options. I bagged up all of the laundry, filled the wood stove with all the wood that was left and took the boys to school. Driving in the warm truck was oh so cozy. I went to the laundromat with a book but instead ended up meditating along with the washing and drying. Something magical happened. I felt gratitude that was lost in the struggle. I gazed outside at the glistening "sparkle" that the sun rays make when combined with the cold temperature and saw the beauty of it.

I found some wood bundles at the grocer and remembered that a couple I met this last fall have ECO blocks in their shop so I stopped by. It was nice to chat with these wonderful people and I picked up a pack of these hot and long burning blocks. Then back at home, the fire was still burning, slow but alive. Packed it full and got it hot for the first time in a week, made myself some food and I am feeling the warming of the house as I write. I should hear from our local wood guy this afternoon about whether he found us some wood or not.

It is so easy for me to get buried underneath the thoughts that come when things get tough and then to see how I am making them tough by getting buried. I read the post about today as an auspicious day and smiled in remembrance of "thoughts become things", I am grateful.....

Michelle

An Auspicious Day

A very cold morning at White Sage Landing; it was under 6 degrees last night. There is a crisp, clean, chilly energy to the air that is invigorating! We are burning fire wood in the woodstove all day and all night to keep the house warm, and hearing the coyote voices tremble and howl across the meadow, completely oblivious to the cold.

Today, on this clear cold morning, I looked at the Dreamspell calendar (evolved from the ancient Mayan calendar), and saw that today was a triple yellow--or triple "south direction" day. It is a Mayan magnetic Sun, the first day of the female 13 day cycle, and the final day of the male 20 day cycle. In addition, it is a Pacal Votan day--a day which offers an energetic potential to access and embody intentions that have been set for us (or by us) many lifetimes ago. It offers an opportunity to change our lives to align more closely with our own divine blueprint. And it is a new moon--the time of new beginnings and planting seeds.

I am thankful beyond words to be here, on Mother Earth, in this time of transition and purification between worlds. I am so thankful to witness the daily miracles of life, and to awaken into a greater dream and vision.

In love and gratitude, Kachina

Trust

As I said before I am a few days behind the rest of you in the book. I realized that I had thought I made it further than this in the past but apparently I hadn't. I think I looked at the book, at where I would have been when that day had arrived for the circle so I would have something to say. That in itself is part of my truth; I had to have a story for everything in my life...to be accepted. Day 19 is where I'm at and this is the day that has proven to be the most eye opening for me.

Earlier today I had a conversation that brought up a lot of stagnant feelings. I didn't feel good. I felt like crawling into a dark hole frankly. Then I decided to do something different, something that I've never done before, because doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result is insanity. I decided to go to the book. The first question: "Have you noticed any new awarenesses or insights since before you began?" Answer: I see a different confidence level within myself. Though I've had a turbulant conversation I still have the unrelenting support of Great Spirit. This is where I usually give up. I stop working on me and move into victim mode. I am not a victim and my tangible choices have lead me to where I am. I'm grateful for the lessons, though tough and not fun, my faith has not been rocked. That is a huge change within myself and that feels good.

Then the exercise is listening to the unity tone CD and breathing in warm golden light in and letting it grow on the out breath. I started this in the chair at my desk at work, then started moving around and couldn't sit any more as the urge to move was getting too great. I got up and walked down the hall rhythmically taking steps and filling myself with light. I got to the 6th song ready to be done, trying to make excuses why I didn't need to do it any more. Instead of just turning it off I asked for guidance..."wait" was the response. So I continued listening getting distracted easier and easier, and on the 8th song something started to make me feel good. Didn't know what it was but it was good. At the 9th song half way through it came to me that this time in my life is all guided by a much higher power than myself. I had just been flushed with surrendering trust. Spirit waited until the last moment to see if I wanted to hear what it had to say. This is the first time I have trusted...today, February 2, 2011.

With much thanks and gratitude for my lessons, and this blog to share them on I thank all of you.

Aho

Living

It always helps me release emotions by listening to music that inspires them to surface. I found a wonderful song "Life You Love" by Jason Damato. The line is "live the life you love and love the life you live."

The perspective hits home, when I evaluate the life I have created, the life I am living and ask myself if I am living the life I love and do I love the life I live? Working on breaking it down to see where I am in love and where I am not, where I want to make changes and where I want to embrace and dance more.

Deeper is to allow myself to feel, receive, enjoy and BE LOVE, that is what these affirmations are doing, thank you to the South, this workshop, the Universe and all of you...

Aho, Michelle

No Words Needed!

"I am the center of the Universe..."

Once again I'm blown away...isn't life amazing?! So I forgot to say in the circle yesterday that I had been waiting for my oil and stones, until the day before the talking circle. I was excited to put the stones on, to say the least. I meant to look at what the healing properties of the stones were the day they arrived but I was too interested in "looking at my mail" (on the slope mail is an abstract connection to the "real" world) that I forgot. Today I looked. I'm not sure, just another miracle I guess, but I was dumbfounded with the connection I have with the stones.
www.sobrietystones.com/resources/GemBook/Stones/meanings_gemstones_jade.htm
www.sobrietystones.com/resources/GemBook/Stones/meanings_gemstones_amazonite.htm

My focus while I'm in this process, primarily, is to change my current view from "I am the center of the Universe" to one of Love, Gratitude, Forgiveness, and Living in my heart. These are my intentions and with the willingness I possess and the grace of Great Spirit I will succeed.

Throughout my life I have been the only one of my focus. As hard as that is to admit it's true. After I was moved to my Dad's house when I was 2 I was his only kid. My Mom had my sister but she is ten years older than me so I don't really know her that well. She moved out when she was 16 anyway. The point is I was basically an only child. I had step siblings for a bit of my life, but mostly just me. I came to expect things from people. Like I was entitled. Entitled to love, attention, the center of their world. I didn't want for anything material in my life and new that on a monitary level my needs would be met. What I wasn't getting was the love I desired so deeply from my Parents. No affection, no play, no connection...

Needless to say that gave me the gift of connecting to the Earth. I went outside all the time to play by myself. I was good at being by myself...It made me resent of my parents though. This reflection has come full circle again in my relationships. I'm not good at being by myself hence this entity/addiction I've been relying/coping with for so long. I place this misdirected resentment on the ones that truely do show me love now in my life. Both Zar, my second to youngest kiddo, and my wife especially. They, the innocent, are the target of my void of love. The void I've held onto until now. I've recognized it and with my intentions, a lot of thought awareness, and the help from guidance it will dissipate and be filled. It is being replaced as I type this, as I think about and feel these feelings. I'm grateful today for this lesson. I get to love myself and spill that over to my Family. How exciting!

Past-History, Future-Mystery, Present-The Gift

(Blog entry by Blew Thunder)

Every time we do the core foods fast, it makes me flash back to the past before the core foods fast even had a name. I had just quit smoking cigarettes, and stopped drinking coffee. I had gained about 60 pounds, and I was so uncomfortable in my own body from the weight gain, that even having a glass of water at night, my stomach would bloat.

At that moment, I raised my hand and surrendered, asking Kachina for help. I told her I would eat anything that she wanted me to eat--ANYTHING. That was over seven years ago. Now I look back with the fondest memories, as the fast that I initiated then has resulted in the Core Foods Fast. At that time, it was not a three week fast, but what I ate for three or four months; enjoying all the different flavors and toppings with my six bowls of potatoes and root veggies every day.

One of the side benefits of the fast was in the middle of the winter, I dropped that 60 extra pounds I had put on. And now, seven years later, I had once again found myself eating less consciously, not paying attention to my body's signals, and eating in a hurry. Now after being on the Core Foods again, I am yet again amazed at how much different I feel, how much more conscious I am in my eating, and how much more clarity is available to me. My energy level has soared. I have even become aware of how my thoughts have wandered, and gone unconscious--how I had become less patient and fallen from that space in grace that I love so much. That is the gift.

Now I am understanding the importance of doing a two week core foods fast every spring equinox and autumn equinox--two times a year--to bring my body back to the neutral zero point once again. It is so easy to slide into habits and lose ourselves. This fast provides that window for re-awakening in the dream. I am even more committed at this point, to using this seasonal fast.

And so I am grateful for each and every one of you, who are assisting me in going back to Beginner's Mind. Big kudos to Eagle Eye, for I have been in that space / place before and I know the courage to move mountains just happens! May the angels grace you as well as all of us as we become willing to roll up our sleeves and look in the mirror. AHO to the Great Mystery!
B. Thunder

And The Floods Begins

Part two- Breaking Cycles

"Allow the way to be paved by those who have walked before you with lesson number one being, life is easy."

~Michelle Lynx

One of my favorite parts of this 90 day process is writing the creation story, and even more, getting lost in the zone and going back days later to read the profound insight that comes through me when connected to source.

One awakened memory that explains my life perfectly is that I am here to break family patterns and heal generations of the past, present and future. This is significant in the flooding knowledge flowing into me now.

With the understanding of myself, my roles, my life and how I got here, I can see it so clearly in my children as well. To look at each one in context of my emotional state from conception through birth and on through my healing process is amazing.

As a young wounded teenager, lost and escaping through whatever means possible, I became pregnant with my oldest son. Stubborn, independent, rebellious and unwilling to allow my family "values" and judgments to influence me, I set out to prove something. What was I proving that didn't fall into the judgments, nothing, but I didn't know that then.

This child was set up from the beginning, along with the stubborn, independent, rebellious and needing to prove something traits he was born with, I gave him the added bonus of needing to be the "perfect" child. I have watched him try to live this role and fail because of it. I also get to watch him awaken and find his own way through the muck and learn from him as his spirit awakens to the truth and connects with the Universe.

After a few years, finding myself in a detrimental relationship and longing for love, I desperately wanted another baby. Insecure, weak and struggling to find a hint of light, I gave birth to my second son. He died twice, once at birth and again an hour later, spent 10 days in the NICU unit and didn't feel my touch till I brought him home. I believe he wasn't sure he wanted to do this life but once he made up his mind he was here for good and for good reason.

He was like glue to me, strong in his own spirit but attached at the same time. He knew what he wanted, where he came from and what his purpose was till about 5. At that time my divorce from his father forced what appeared to him as betrayal. It's hard to look at a situation and see the right in it and be faced with a justice system that says something else. After that he forgot himself and submitted to the exact same role that I did as a child, filling the void. Driven today to find himself and his own way through his own lessons he understands that love is his driving force and he is a gifted healer.

Nine months after my second son was born, feeling devastated, broken, abused and deep within the pits of hell, my daughter was conceived. I cried for the entire pregnancy, stuck and hopeless. She cried for the first three years of her life. She was quiet, insecure, invisible and oblivious to the world, not in a naive way but in an innocent way. One day, at my ultimate worst, debating life or death she came to me. "Mommy, are you ever going to get up and play with me again?"

The healing began and the cycles started breaking. In each of these children a cycle started and over time, through the healing of my soul, honesty and ownership of my choices, actions and unconscious behaviors, the cycles broke, collapsed and opened up new passages. The invisible child stands today confident, driven, sure of herself, and completely present in the now with an amazing ability to process emotion and find clarity.

Seven years after the birth of my daughter, feeling healthy, mind, body and spirit, I gave birth to another son. A wonderful pregnancy, a supportive labor and beautiful delivery, this old soul made his way into the world. Just looking at this precious new life you could see a thousand years of wisdom. he walked into this world with predisposed issues to clear and head strong on the path to clear them. He confidently tells his story, his needs and works through the situation with guidance. It's a gift to be chosen to mother an old soul and a challenge as well.

And then there is the last one, the one who is strong, independent, completely sure of himself, who he is, where he comes from and not willing to budge, change or be influenced. I had a miscarriage and right after, when you are not supposed to get pregnant, I did. I believe that he wasn't sure the first time and after a second thought he came back. I am grateful and learning everyday from this beautiful spirit. He teaches me truth, kindness and the understanding of unconditional love in the ultimate way, for self.

Will all of this said and more understanding coming, I am grateful.....Michelle