Funny thing, if you don't believe you deserve all of the support of the Universe you can spend your time and energy running from it, blocking it, numbing out, vegging out, and wonder why it isn't there. The other day I realized that I must choose to change this pattern, choose to believe and acknowledge the support of Creation all around me.
I suppose this is part of turning to myself instead of that which is outside of me, but that doesn't mean not participate in life. I think my mind gets confused and perhaps my feelings as to what parts of me are dying. I feel like I am dying, or that I am somehow slowly killing myself. Like I am not choosing Fully Life, a Vibrant Passionate Co-Creative Life. Am I really or is this just the feeling of a death. I find myself wanting to be alone and getting frustrated when I can't have that, not asking for it aloud - knowing that I can have that. Not picking up my Medicine.
The committee can be pretty sneaky, to the point where you believe that is the way it is. Stuck, stagnant, not doing the right thing . . . blah blah blah. So, what is the gift of that? What is the gift of constantly analyzing, trying to see how things could be better. There must be a balance between this and taking action.
I find myself longing for the Ceremony, but I know that when the time is right I will find a new depth to my Being and Ceremony will be different. I will be coming from a different place.
Keep trusting, keep going to my center, remember to go to my center. Sing Dance Play, Walk outside on the Earth Mother herself.
I am stuck in the book but that is okay, I am stuck on my Creation story. I was not born into a life where we are told the Stories, where we know our history, our roots, our place. I suppose there is a reason for that. Perhaps to dig deeper into my cells to remember what I already know.
