I walk gently, recognizing the pattern of my mind. I cannot figure it out, I cannot rationalize or logically understand how everything is going to work out. There is no way to do that, it is quite literally impossible. Because no matter what my brain thinks up, the path I am on is illuminated by a force, greater then the aspect of my mind that I have access to. To attempt to "understand" and plan leads me to a wall of panic, stress and doubt, EVERY TIME!
I am noticing the pattern and I am now able to recognize how I can influence the scattered emotions of my egos mind. And they are all right here in this present moment. Every time I allow myself to go down the road of "how is this all going to work out" and attempt to sit down and make a list of the steps and ways in which it will all unfold, I am hit with the panic button. Each idea I think up leads me to a road block or dead end because the root of each idea is connected to some sort of self-sacrifice and repression in order to gain something. money but at the sacrifice of my passion, love at the sacrifice of my freedom, recognition at the sacrifice of my integrity. Until I stop and recognize that tomorrow doesn't matter, tomorrow never comes and the more I fixate on tomorrow, the more I miss my opportunities of today, to create through present moment actions the results my heart desires for tomorrow. The actions can be as grand as booking clients and networking myself (if that is what I am called and guided to do) or as "simple" as setting intentions and feeling gratitude for all the gifts that are present in this moment, in my life right now.
I am identifying a misperseption I have of the word action. Up to this point I have viewed action as a very yang or male energy. To me it meant go, do something, get out there and accomplish whatever it is that you've been thinking about, it meant very much engaging in the world and other people, a very hands on, exerted energy. Which I might add always made me feel depleted just at the thought of it, so I avoided action all together. I am now realizing that action through intention setting, consistent use of affirmation, visualizing, making offerings, expressing gratitude etc are all ways to take action outwardly. And are all very effective ways to create positive change in ones life.
Yesterday I was freaking out, again. Money worries, self-doubt, questions of how, how how? The more I thought, the more despair I felt. Then like a lightning bolt, which I'm embarrassed to say has hit me many times before, I was again reminded of where I was. Here in the present moment. I was offered an assignment, for the duration of the South. Each morning when I go out to make my offering, well lets be honest, first off each morning I am to go out and make an offering, I am to ask "what action can I take today to assist me on my path?" and then do it.
That's where I am in this moment. That is as far as I've gotten.
For today I am being still and centered in gratitude. Again I am reminded, today I am healthy, I have a roof over my head, a cozy bed, beautiful vibrant food to eat, people who love me and all the earth I can explore! Why waste my time in worry when I can immerse myself in such a wonderful present moment experience?
