Up at the crack of dawn, actually a little before dawn. Awake, wide awake. Thoughts everywhere.
I'm thinking about you, remembering a simpler time when we had thought we found each other and were even more motivated to embrace and take on this world, now that we were together. Where are you now? What have I done!? As I think about you my mind remembers the fantasy that it needs to to believe all was perfect. My body tells me a different story. And now, as I am unable to ignore the intelligence of my body and unable to silence its words expressed to me through the art of degrees of sensation, I cling to my mental fantasy for it is all I have left!
I wounder how much of this is you and how much of this is me not wanting to let go of the new habits I had adopted since inviting you in. I feel lost without these habitual patterns. Waking up to an email from you, meeting at the coffee shop, amazing walks through nature, tea and movie nights all so blissful and simple. Now gone, dissipated almost as quickly as they were created.
A test in my willingness to remain open and non-attached. But I am attached!? Partially to you and partially to the memory I have created of you that is only a sliver shy of the truth. All that is left now is me, alone in my moment, weaving between my emotions which teeter between paralyzing and invigorating.
Where is my heart, where is my home? Why does this fog just keep getting thicker and thicker!
How much longer do I need to be tested? What else can I possibly sacrifice? Is it worth it?
But its too late now to go back. I've already given everything up if I lose the ability to trust then I will have really lost it all. I can't think anymore, unfortunately I can't sleep either.
So I lay here staring off into space, wiping tears away and compulsively checking my e-mail to see if you wrote. Nothing.
