Goodbye Old Friend~

Dear Comfort Zone,
You have been safe and faithful for many years and I am grateful.  I could always rely on you and for so long I needed you.  That time is over.  You have kept me from danger but also from happiness which speaks to my heart.  I have met life and I desire the opportunity I see.  Our relationship is complete.  It is time for me to step out and spend some quality time with my new friend risk.  I am ready for the adventure of my dream and while you offer a place that is familiar, the path that risk has to offer will help me move forward.  I also leave behind fear and hesitation because where I am going they are not welcome.  Please do not worry,  my new companions, courage and wisdom are with me and my journey meets up with abundance and love.  Again, I am grateful for our time together... 

Goodbye,
Michelle Lynx Lyall

Duality

I have been quite emotional lately. Emotions that are more extreme than what I am experiencing in the moment. Hurts. I don't feel quite like myself either. Like, how did I get to be this way?

I am finding it very difficult to be in the world. There must be some part of me that is so good at sabotage that I have found a way to stay "alone" and to kill myself slowly.

I look at my body and I see neglect and abuse.

I feel my heart who aches for a full loving world and yet I keep the world for the most part at a distance, except at work for some reason. Then I get hurt by little things that people in my life say or reflect to me.

Shame for allowing myself to get to this place. Doubt for even having these feelings, I should be grateful that I am not X Y or Z, what do I have to be upset about. You know all of that crap.

Fear of not "doing it right."

Guilt for "doing it wrong" or out of Grace.

Until I completely withdraw from the world.

Not following through on commitments.

Is this even true? I feel so confused. I trust that this is part of the process and yet I resist.

I know there are gems here. I trust that I will find them. I trust that I will find my courage and grace. I have paint brushes waiting for me, I have a drum that is waiting, I have a crystal bowl that longs to sing with me, I have the whole entire world and Great Mystery too. How far will I go down into the depths this time before I fly out like the Phoenix. Do I have the courage to love myself enough. I guess I wasn't given this name for nothing.

Thanks for listening to my rants, I really needed to get this out before it was buried again. Aho.

Double Blog

I posted in my personal blog a post for this blog and decided to just link the two instead of changing.

Awakening Michelle

I am humbly grateful...................

Michelle

Completion in Its Own Time

This morning when I awakened, after participating in an amazing ceremony last nigh with Blue Thunder and the Grandmothers, I received an unexpected gift of the north.

Over two years ago, when we first arrived at White Sage Landing to begin building our home and Medicine Wheel in co-creation, I had noticed many horses in and around our area. The presence of the horses brought up memories from my early life, when I had a deep relationship with horses. There came a time when I had to let them go to move forward in life, and I had felt very complete at the time and simply thanked them and moved on.

I had still remained connected to horses, and received visits from them from time to time in the spirit world. Once in a great while, I would be connected with someone in the physical world who needed assistance in communicating with their horse, and would always do my best to bridge the communication between them, and deliver whatever message was asked with a healing intention.

And when I was once again surrounded by many horses, I felt the need to call upon the horses of my past and acknowledge their beautiful teachings that had been so freely given and rarely understood by me back then. I asked forgiveness for any harm I might have done unconsciously or consciously to them, and I sent to them my love and gratitude.

Now, two years later, while going into the completion of the north direction, I have received the gift of completion from the horse people. I awakened this morning with a dream. In this dream, I was revisiting all of the horses I had ever known in my whole life. There were so many more than I first remembered! Each one showed me something that I had received from them, and I began to see how deeply the horses had influenced every aspect of my life.

One horse I had completely forgotten about, was a horse who was blind in one eye. This horse was a very good cow horse on a ranch in Nebraska. I was visiting this ranch, seeking a horse for competitive trail riding. This ranch was known for its trail savvy horses, but they generally sold only a few horses from their ranch, as most were bred to be cow horses for the cowboys. The only one available to me was the blind in one eye horse, because my budget could not begin to accommodate one of their promising young 2 year olds. For some reason, I decided to purchase the horse.

Several weeks later, the people from the ranch were ready to deliver this horse to us. But when they went to load up the horses, my horse had been struck by lightening while standing in the pasture. He was dead instantly.

The Grandfathers were showing me this image this morning, as I had completely forgotten it. I woke up and told Blue Thunder all about it, including the fact that I received a beautiful 2 year old Arabian horse in its place, for no extra charge. I had never acknowledged the Grandfathers' lightening bolt that changed the course of my life; for the horse that came in place of the blind horse taught me more about life and myself than any other horse in my whole life. In fact, he was the horse that helped me shift my consciousness from separation to connection and equality with all beings.

When I told the story to Blue Thunder, I felt tears running down my face. I had felt like I never was able to give back to the horses the way they had given to me, yet their spirits were all around me now, sending me gratitude! They said I had given back to every being on the planet through my choices to live in co-creation and honor all animals. They showed me that I had actually succeeded in their eyes, that all they gave me has come to a beautiful fruition. I could feel the love and support pouring forth from the horse spirits, and Blue Thunder echoed this by saying, "Why do you think horses always come to talk with you whenever they see you? They are honoring you! They are acknowledging that what you have done has helped all animals, because you help create equal conscious relationship for our Earth and all her beings."

In gratitude and humbleness,
Kachina

So Thankful

Today I am thankful for the validation that I am always taken care of, watched over, guided and helped, even when I forget to ask. So in love and so very, very grateful.

Aho,

Michelle

Badger...hahaha

So after the meeting I've had some swift realizations. I'm where I need to be for one but more positively I'm where I want to be. In the meeting Blew Thunder mentioned something about setting a high bar for himself. Out of the whole meeting that for me is what stuck clearly...badgering me (no pun intended) hahahaha. We, as a family, have talked about Michelle has set a bar to a level that is at the utmost of aspirations. I see now that it is all about choices and following the ideal at times. Amazingly as Blew spoke about looking at someone else and seeing how "more advanced" they are in their own process aka looking up to them, I have always felt less than. Why do I limit myself to being not good enough I ask? Because I have been given a contract that I embraced to do just enough to get by.

This meeting started the ball rolling for my guidance to kick in and really ask some obvious questions. I wrote in my book the next day, read a little, and spent some time just with and for me. Tuesday I was guided to do a reading. I received some new cards from Michelle for Christmas and use them when I feel like it and not always when I'm "told" to use them. That day I used them and received hilarity frankly. The messages I got from this reading were from Badger reversed (hahahaha) saying "Open your eyes crazy man, look at the big picture, get out of you own damn way." Another from Elk saying pay attention to your dreams and except self love. I received in the West direction the sweatlodge ceremony card, not coincidentally it says look at yourself for what you are and make the changes you want to make to be who you want to be...it's that simple.

Ok, Ok now moving on throughout Tuesday I thought about all of these things plus a bit more and decided to play a little drum and go into the medicine wheel. I prayed with my son and showed him a way to give thanks and make offerings to the directions. We spent about an hour and a half there but it felt like a minute.

Now last night I have this dream of only crickets and me drawing a bow and arrow. I laughed at how the crickets tickled my body. I couldn't believe how focused I became when I drew the arrow back releasing it at a target with a big red heart on it. So feeling the simple joy of the tickley crickets and the focus of the "heart" of the problem, which I found is me not following my heart it made for some great lessons and a new focus. The focus being that I'm allowed to set the bar at what ever level I want and I'm allowed to achieve that level by being true to myself.

I feel like what I've gotten myself into is looking at the same issues with the same set of eyes...not looking at the big picture. Also the heart on the target represents the correct path and the ease of following the arrow. Ultimately I'm excited for where I'm at in the West, with only one day left. Then I can join the rest of the group in the North whole heartedly as I will be fully there. Upward and onward, the last few days were a great few days for lessons.

Thanks
Eagle Eye

Into the North

We've just finished our talking circle moving into the North and I want to let you all know how deeply connected I feel to each of you. My heart is richly and fully expanded and I just don't want that to end. Blogging all night is not the answer but know I'm deeply loving each of you. Aho. Maggie

Facing reality hasn't been as easy as I would have liked it. I've been moving along in the West and have literally been faced with two deaths in the last three weeks. It brings about a view of how life can be present one minute and the next gone to another dimension.

A sobering look at my own existence hasn't really hit until I let it penetrate through this barrier I've been keeping up in my own reality. That barrier being myself, my choices. I have realized that I haven't been a good man. It wouldn't be difficult to find another man to equal or surpass my level of integrity or character. This is not a judgement placed onto myself, it is the in my face truth. I have been standing in my own way to be happy on all levels. I have figured out how to get out of my own way but that doesn't mean that I always do it. More often than not I continue to repeat the same actions, cycles, programs and processes that have existed in my life.

The last few days I have gotten more and more stiff in my body. My neck is to the point that I can barely turn it or look down. My lower back where my stone is pops and cracks as I get out of bed and move around. I believe that this is a physical representation of what my spirit, my soul is encountering when faced with myself. The obvious reality I'm facing is total re-form. The truth is I'm afraid of moving forward. I know that it isn't going to be worse than where I've gotten myself to at this point. In the 12 steps they say "my best decisions got me to this point" I'm not satisfied with where I'm at and my decisions have obviously lead me to here. I'm having trouble staying connected and making good choices all the time. Self-referal has become more difficult in the West than in the East or South.

This fear of the unknown makes me laugh when I actually sit down and look at it for what it is but when I'm stuck in the same repetition I find myself in my own way. I see where I need to go very clearly thanks to this process and guidance but I'm held here by my choices. My choice to embrace my patterns instead of trying something new. Staying in my stagnant stiff routine (body) accomplishing the same things. I have a question as to why I continue this behavior. Better yet why don't I choose differently. Maybe I don't know what other choices there are. Maybe I've gotten so complacent that some how this is as good as it gets. I know differently but there is something holding me here.

Today in the book I got to the point of acknowledging prior agreements and contracts. I feel like I've accepted these contracts as all there is. I'm ready to break them and find the courage to embrace the new. It seems that those decisions embrace a total life change; what I've been praying for and what my intention is to do. I keep asking myself if I'm really ready to let them go and then I'm faced with how I'm living my life today. There is little I'm satisfied with in my life today. So as I am faced with my reality daily the option to change gets more and more obvious. I'm still chanting "steadfastness stands higher than any success" knowing that there is beauty to embrace on the other side of this wall. A fuel that feeds this fear to move forward is the question: Is there always going to be another wall behind this one? Who knows? I'm ready to see. I'm ready to let go. I'm praying for guidance and the will to follow the guidance I receive.

Thank you Kachina and Blew Thunder for this walk as I feel that I am walking with you.

Aho
Eagle Eye

Right on Schedule

A few days ago I was a week behind in my journal and my process was in full force that I didn't even look at it. When I finally started feeling better, I picked up the journal and figured I would go as far as I felt I could.

I wasn't surprised but I always love the validation that comes when you realize that you are exactly where you belong and I am! During the week I journaled but not in my workbook and processed like crazy, still am :) and what surfaced as I dove into the workbook is that each day, I was doing exactly what the pages said. Recognizing my responsibility in creating my world, death of my identity, acceptance, forgiveness, contracts and letting go. I was happy to go through it a second go around and reinforce it in my soul. On this side I am grateful and joyful.

Thank you for this workshop, this group, Kathryn and Michael, the Universe, and all my relations. All that join me on this path, all who guide, teach and support me, I am ever so grateful and growing......

Michelle

Ask and Trust

In my dream last night, I was on an ancient piece of technology resembling a cell phone and couldn’t make it work properly. The connection was halting, fading in and out and never clear enough to hear much. I asked a friend to help me and he said he couldn’t; there wasn’t a 4G bone in it’s body. And then….

I was at the airport trying to make a flight but all these reasons/obstacles kept presenting themselves and the airline folks were trying to accommodate me, telling me the next counter I needed to go to or phone call I needed to make and the time for the flight was closer and closer and with all I had to do I knew I wouldn’t make the flight. Someone from a different airlines suggested they could help if I would just step over a short way to this counter. I began to tell about all the obstacles preventing me from getting on that flight. I knew the rules and knew there was nothing that could be done to skirt the things that needed to happen.

And with each issue I presented she would reply that it wasn’t a requirement, or sure we can handle that, or she would say, let me make a phone call and shortly all the obstacles had been broken down and resolved and she handed me a bill for my flight and it was $100 less than the other airline! Happily I joined others boarding the plane. Everyone filed onto the same plane, no matter what airlines had booked their flight!

I am so grateful for the simplicity of this message! When I went to bed last night I knew that I needed to withdraw from the Medicine Wheel Walk. I’m so far behind and feeling so overwhelmed, guilty, humiliated and just plain pissed off at myself for getting behind and feeling there is no way to complete this process. I prayed for the courage to say I needed to withdraw. This dream revealed so much about the way I do life! I’ve been trying to do this myself, to follow the rules, and to do it right based on my old ideas and all the ideas of so many other helpful people! Everyone has ideas (and many, many of them good) on how to get on the plane! If I ask Spirit for guidance it will be there. If I ask my Guides for help, it will be there. If I ask one or two very discerning people I know for an opinion, it will be there. My job is to learn to ask judiciously, and with full trust and knowing, that I will always get what I need. It is also my job not to take on unsolicited information and to be extremely discerning about what I allow into my field. Strengthening my prayer field and keeping my channel clear will keep me from being pulled away from my focus. Ask and Trust. Ask and Trust, Ask and Trust…..

As I was coming out of the dream I asked “but how will I do this” and heard clearly put one foot in front of the other and all the self-created obstacles will fall away….

In Gratitude and Trust,
Crystal Raven

Death as it comes

Dying a slow, painful and enlightening death........................

"Trauma in a child's life between the ages of one and seven can cause a tear in the embryonic ego matrix that destroys the boundaries of the child. The sense of self and ones sacred space is torn open and communication between self and other voices begin. A small child is not able to discern which voices are helpful and which are harmful and therefore may react in the direction of the harmful earthbound spirits." -Sacred Path Cards

This stands out so clearly as it resonates with my soul in this lifetime spent trying to discern and learn trust along with boundaries. Some hard lessons along the way and on the trail of the biggest death so far.......................

Michelle

The West Unfolds

Two nights ago, a woman from White Sage was traveling home at night. A black cow stood in the road, hidden around a twisting turn between two knolls. The woman never saw the cow, and hit her full speed. The cow and her unborn calf died, and the woman was unhurt, though very shaken.

After the accident, the local tow truck came and towed away the totaled vehicle. The cow's body was pulled off to the side of the road, where it has remained; bloated, slowly decaying, and impossible to avoid seeing while driving by. It is a constant reminder to us of death, the ever present companion to all life forms.

The neighboring cow herd moved down into the corner of their big pasture, where they could see our medicine wheel. They stayed there until today, gathered together in a tight little group, very unusual behavior according to what we have observed.

Then this morning, a Portal Day in the Mayan Dreamspell calendar, Michael and I went out to the Medicine Wheel. We called upon the helping spirits and angels, and asked for healing and assistance; that the cow who crossed over could be honored for her sacrifice. And we sang her a song.

I felt the feeling of relief and purpose as the heaviness in the air cleared. Then the day began to unfold in a magical way. We went on a walk; I had consultations by phone; Michael worked on maintaining the road; our local sheriff got stuck in the mud and Michael had to pull his vehicle out... It was a full and beautiful day, with sunshine and rain showers happening at the same time, making awesome beauty in the skies.

I am once again feeling the familiar quickening of life force I feel in the West; the feeling of death within and all around us, and the corresponding increase in vitality and sensitivity--like life and death are so entwined, they are really one. To feel life, I must allow death; to die is to be born. Everything is so connected.

In Gratitude,
Kachina