I am grateful for the lessons, the knowledge and the experience of this lifetime. I see and understand that the more I let go of the seeking of answers, the dissecting of moments, the searching for knowledge and the anxiety of whats next, I learn.
I have lived in constant change for the last ten years after, what I consider, hitting "rock bottom" and choosing to live. What is even more interesting is that I have essentially been reborn every ten years of this lifetime. When I turned 20, I gave birth to Zach, the child I believe saved my life. Now at 40, I am finally coming into myself as all the years previous have prepared me for. This time by conscious choice.
As of July 1, I no longer have a job, which I have created and I am not looking for a new one. Hurray! My husband has manifested the job he wanted and what appears to be a smooth transition for our move. We have shifted in balance of our roles as we awakened in White Sage. Not just with the "job" thing although that is obvious.
This is a long way to come for a girl starting adulthood as a mother, needing to prove the world wrong and stay off of welfare. The fearful woman who lost herself and fought back with monetary success and walls in place to keep her safe is whole. I am now a solid women finding strength in vulnerability. It came to me as I was filling out the paperwork to change my name, The fight in me is over.
Steve and I will renew our vows soon with new rings. When we married in the medicine wheel, we began with our intentions in commitment to ourselves and our own paths. Over the past 2 1/2 years that has been our lives, focused on self. We exchanged beautiful wooden rings, delicate and not resistant to normal wear. Most of the time they were off. A shift happened in White Sage and now it's time to move to the next stage. Partnership. We will exchange new rings. Solid rings and bury the old ones in the earth in ceremony of this new phase and gratitude of the old. During this 90 day journey, I healed another layer and I am ready to have his name. Part of my fight within was that I would never let another person own me again. When I married Steve, I refused to change my name. That has shifted in me and as it may just be a name, for me it is about being open to allow someone else in.
It's a beautiful realization to trust and allow as I am getting comfortable with living at turtle speed, at least on most days.
In gratitude and reflection, Michelle
