First I have to say "YEAH CRYSTAL RAVEN!" "My comfort zone is definitely working face-to-face in a group and the online/blogging requires more of me to be present to myself, a particular challenge for me." Screw the COMFORT ZONE get after it and shake it up! Love it! Be the tambourine! This advice directly from Blew Thunder in a conversation I had with both Kachina and him yesterday.
So flood gates be open... the perspective I received in that conversation was simple. Very simple. Quit being the victim. For me part of this journey is dealing with abandonment issues, another part forgiveness of self, another is knowing that I am enough and I do love myself, and yet another still is addiction (which is a tricky bastard).
The victim: I am not a victim of my reality. The consequences of my actions are solely brought to me by me. I am the attractant. I am required to take responsibility for my reality or I will be spinning my wheels for as long as it takes to "get a grip." That was a tough one to wrap my head around.
Abandonment: My parents seperated when I was 18 months old and my Mother couldn't take care of me any more so she gave me to my Dad when I was 24 months. They were fighting the entire time I was in the womb and that has only set up for me the feeling of guilt and blame. I've felt my entire life (unknowingly until yesterday) that it was my fault my parents divorced. I'm coming to terms with this. As of now it still chokes me up. I know in my head it's not my fault...it's my heart that needs to really know it though.
Forgiveness: This is where I forgive myself. Still working on it but it has been acknowledged. I am honored to have gotten this lesson expecially in such an "in your face way." It came gently from BT and K but there is no running away from this either. Can't run away from what I know, tried it-not fun. I'm no longer beating myself up over the lessons I'm getting but choosing to look at them with gratitude. It's not easy, in fact it's exhausting, but I have been assured that it will become easier.
Enoughness and Love: This is where I become a person living in my heart. I am a few days behind everyone I believe, I'm at day 13. The question "what changes would you make if you could make any changes you desired?" Well for me to attain the feeling of being enough and deserving love all of these things that I have spoken of need to start rolling. I'm ready and willing, I'm pushing the stone off the hill and watching it roll. Through guidance and Great Spirit I know that all of this is possible. As I have been told I can write my own future.
Addiction: My final crux, addiction. I've had an entity residing in me since I was, well forever. He (it) has helped me survive with loneliness, abandonment, negativity, the lack of communication from my family, and life. It has given me the gift of keeping myself totally cut off from my emotions, and frankly reality. I have a sex addiction. I've miscontrued sex/attention with love. That has made it impossible to have a real intimate relationship with anyone, including myself. It became the escape. I was able to run away from anything that was a challenge in my life with some form of sex. In the beginning I found anyone that would "give it up". I bounced from one meaningless relationship to another and within relationships I cheated on them. Obviously hurting myself and them. I sought prostitutes, random hook-ups, one night stands, D all the above. I've been wreckless with my life and it has affected the relationships I've had including the one I'm in now. The reality of my current situation is that if I don't turn around and look at my past, acknowledge my faults, forgive myself, learn to deserve love because I AM enough, and then continue with the future I envision with gratitude, it will lead me down the path that I've gone too many times before. It's do or die time right now...and I'm not dying. With that said I have a lot to work on, but I don't feel daunted. I've learned to embrace these lessons. Now I'm just moving forward with gratitude for them and as BT says becoming the miracle.
